I was reading an article about single women interested in attached men. I’m disgusted by what I read (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201201/women-and-mate-poaching).
According to Psychology Today author John Buri, “When presented bio information along with a photo of a relatively attractive man, fewer than 60% of the women surveyed were interested in pursuing this man if he was NOT currently attached. But if this man was already in a committed romantic relationship, 90% of the single women expressed a strong desire to pursue him.”
Buri goes on to report that, “When asked why they were particularly attracted to attached men, single women responded:
– “Revenge – what goes around comes around.”
– “To see if I can – I love a good challenge.”
– “It’s exciting – you’re in the hunt.”
– “Because I can – and once I do, it’s an ego boost.”
– “Because he’s already been tested – he’s pre-approved.”
Women, really? If you are looking for a man who is already in a serious relationship you have some personal work to do. The thrill of the hunt is a callous, superficial way to live your life…and it certainly isn’t serving you any more than it is the marriages and families you are breaking up. First off, if you are truly going after a man who is in a committed relationship, then even when you “get” him, you don’t “have” him. If he’s going to cheat on “her,” he’s going to cheat on you…if he even leaves her…which they seldom do. If you’re just going after him for the “hunt,” then pat yourself on the back that you “got” him and then celebrate your victory…alone? How internally rewarding is that? Either way you’re by yourself. How does that help you?
It seems to me you could do so much better for yourself than chasing men who are unavailable just so you can avoid intimacy. If it’s revenge you’re trying to get, isn’t your target a bit mis-aligned? How does going after some strange man help you exact revenge on the men who hurt you? It doesn’t. It’s just your silly way of justifying your actions. And it’s an incredibly unhealthy way of trying to heal from your pain. Do yourself a favor—get real help. Get into therapy to work through your intimacy issues. Stop destroying relationships and then patting yourself on the back for doing so. That’s a bit sadistic, not cool. You deserve better than that and so do the people you unabashedly target.
If you find yourself frequently going after attached men, it may be time for you to look at and deal with the underlying issues. No one does that from a healthy place—no matter how much they try to convince others otherwise. There’s obvious wounding from your past that needs to be worked through. Do yourself a favor and stop the game-playing and do the work you need to do to enjoy your life at a much higher level. You deserve better than to always be someone’s “second.” You also deserve better than to be hated by half the female population because somewhere along the line you lost your compassion for humanity. Get it back—it will change your life…and in the right way, for a change.
Challenge: If you’re one of those women trying to win over men who are already attached, take stock with what’s truly going on for you. Even when you “win” them, you’re still alone. Stop thinking so little of yourself and others. Stop the game-playing and invest in your healing. It will be the best investment you’ve ever made.