After working with hundreds of women throughout the years, I can safely say that women settle for poor relationships all the time. This settling often starts during the early stages of dating and expands from there. Therefore, I’m writing this post in an effort to help women stop settling and get off to a great, versus wobbly, start in their relationships.
If you’re a woman looking to find a lasting, healthy relationship with a great, relational man, then commit to changing the way you date. Ignore much of the traditional advice about dating, such as: be coy, keep them guessing, play hard to get, focus on them, etc. If you’re serious about finding someone to have a future with, stop playing games and get real. Below are five tips to help you find a great potential life partner.
- Switch from being the “choosee” to being the chooser. Too many women go into dating hoping the man will like them. You need to be clear with yourself that you’re the one deciding if you like him. Stop trying to bend yourself backwards to try to be attractive to him. Know that you’re trying to figure out if he’s a good fit for you. Pretend you’re an employer trying to hire the best person for the job. Check their credentials, make sure they meet all the job requirements, be certain they have good social skills (treat you with respect, ask about you, listen, etc.) and don’t settle for less than you’re looking for.
- Be yourself, not who you think he wants you to be. Remember, you’re the one choosing. There’s no reason to put on a show when you’re the one choosing. If you pretend to be someone you’re not and he falls for it, then what? Realize this only sets you both up in the long run. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not — that’s an insult to you and him.
- Speak what you want to speak, not what you think he wants to hear. A friend of mine once told me she used to purposely answer questions the way she thought the guy wanted her to. She did this because she wanted him to like her. What? That’s absurd…common and absurd. Stop acting like you’re not good enough for him and start knowing to the core of your being that you are. Then, act on this belief by being yourself and trusting this is enough…you are enough.
- Move from desperate to relaxed. If you’re desperate to be in a relationship, you are likely to make a poor choice. Your lens is clouded and your expectations are too low. Trust that you’ll find someone when the time is right and don’t try to speed up the process in an effort to feel better about yourself, be less lonely, to get other people off your back, to beat your biological clock, or (fill in the blank).
- Be conscious and dare to see what you see. There are often a thousand red flags in relationships that women repeatedly choose to ignore. These later come back to haunt them. Often if there’s something “off” or unhealthy about a person, it will show up fairly quickly. You just have to dare to see it. Common red flags include: drinking too much, flirting with the waitress right in front of you, spending most of the time talking about himself, being touchy/grabby, having a history of affairs (two or more), being controlling or jealous (i.e.deciding what food to order for you, telling you how to think or what to do), bad-mouthing his ex, being rude to others around you, etc. This list could go on and on, however the bottom line is: if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Don’t minimize, rationalize or defend these red flags…notice them and walk away (guilt free) if they’re significant.
If you are truly interested in not settling for a poor relationship, then creating a healthy one begins before the first hello. Make sure you’re in a healthy frame of mind for dating. The healthier and more secure you are, the healthier the person will be whom you attract. Don’t play games. Have a clear vision of what you’re looking for and go in from a position of strength (not conceit…strength). Have fun and good luck.
CHALLENGE: If you’re in the dating scene and you only change one thing about how you date, shift your attitude from that of the choosee to that of the chooser. This shift will make an enormous difference in your dating experience.