I’ve received several calls from individuals wanting to do couples coaching or couples intensives. There was only one problem; their partners didn’t.
Inevitably they all asked me the same question: What do I do if my partner refuses to come? The answer to this depends on how important couples work is to you, what the state of your relationship is, and how determined you are to work on changing this relationship.
If your relationship is good and you would just like to fine tune a couple of things, then you have to decide if you can do this via a different outlet or not. Perhaps your partner would be willing to do workshops but doesn’t want to try coaching or therapy.
If your relationship is struggling and you are very unhappy, then just “asking” your partner to work on the relationship may not be enough. If you are unhappy you’ve talked about it countless times over the year or years, and nothing has changed, chances are nothing will change without outside intervention. So now the question becomes: Can you stay in this relationship as is for the next 10 years? Or not? If no, then you need to be honest with your partner.
Let your partner know directly that you are unhappy with certain things in this relationship. Be clear that if things don’t change that you will grow more and more distant and resentful. Do not state this one day and then every other day act as if you are happy. That will water down your message and confirm to your partner that couples work is not truly necessary.
If things are really estranged and you know you couldn’t live with things as they are now—say that. If this is your last attempt at change, then tell your partner that either you both get into couples work or you will need to separate. This is not being manipulative, deceitful, or controlling. It is being clear about where you stand and stressing to your partner the importance of change.
Too many times I see couples who danced around this issue for years only to wake up to find out that working on the relationship is too late. One partner had enough and was no longer willing to wait around for the other partner to decide to work on the relationship. Often the other partner is shocked by this and begging for another chance. Avoid this and say it straight now—you will be thankful you did later.
Being clear about the importance of couples work is a gift to both you and your partner. If your partner still refuses, at least s/he knows what the consequences are: no surprises, no manipulation. If s/he refuses, then you are no worse off; you were in a bad relationship that was only going to stay bad.
Challenge: If you would like to get some help for your relationship but your partner refuses, then sit with yourself and get clear about how important it is to you. Once you’re clear, decide your next move. Are you saying you’re unhappy but acting happy most of the time? Is this a make it or break it decision? If so, are you clear with your partner about that? When will it become a deal breaker for you? Tell your partner why this is important and what you believe the consequences will be if s/he refuses.