One of the most difficult phenomenons I’ve found with couples is the rebound effect. The rebound effect occurs in many couples who have done a lot of work on their relationship. Typically, somewhere along their journey toward a healthy, harmonious relationship, they begin to backslide. Often this back slide is instantaneous.
In therapy circles this is called the rebound effect. A couple will be moving along, making excellent progress, and then hit a bump. The “bump” may be a disagreement, a notoriously difficult issue for the couple, or an old pattern that crept back in.
Now of course all of these are normal relationship bumps that all of us have—no big deal. Couples often don’t see it as just a bump, because it’s so reminiscent of an old familiar pattern. The couple turns this “bump” into Mt. Everest.
They believe that if they really did this much work, then this old behavior wouldn’t be happening. More specifically, if their partner did this much work, than s/he would not have reacted the way s/he did.
Wrong. Old behaviors will most likely show up throughout our lifetime–no matter how much work we’ve done. Why? Because we are human.
Old behaviors take time to get over. When we are at our weakest due to fatigue, stress, work, etc., we are at greatest risk to fall back on old behavior patterns. It doesn’t mean we haven’t done the work or that we’ve been conning our partner into thinking we’re changing when we’re really not. It only means we got caught at a weak moment and relied on what came easiest.
What’s interesting about this is that both partners revert back to old behaviors, only one though gets blamed. The partner who first responds with an old behavior (I.e. Distancing) often triggers the other partner’s old behavior (I.e. feelings of hopelessness) and this then triggers the first partner’s belief that nothing s/he does is right (also an old pattern). Soon both partners are in a spin that neither can pull themselves out of.
This all occurs because the couple hit a bump and turned that bump into Mt. Everest.
It is only a bump–treat it as such and use the skills you both spent months on cultivating: breathe, look at your side, use your boundaries, forgive, and move on.
When you are making progress, you are making progress. Making mistakes is a part of the process. Forgiveness has to be part of the process also. Take your eyes off of your partner’s slip, and onto your reaction to the slip (regardless of whether you’re the one who slipped first or responded to the slip). Both of you are often part of the rebound. Work your side and let your partner be responsible for their side. And, please…see it as just a bump.
Challenge: If you and your partner recently hit a bump that threw you both of track, take some time to look at your relationship for the three to four weeks prior to the bump. Remember the progress you were making and don’t negate any of that due to the bump now. Look at your side of the rebound and see if there’s something you could do to fix your end of it and get back on track. If so, do it.
Note: A bump is a minor event that feels huge because it triggers old feelings yet it’s not huge. I.e. an affair is not a “bump” and nor is physical abuse or an unsafe event such as rage, swearing or the like.