People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships. They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on. They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.
In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include: those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change. The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix. They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish. They do not however change.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage: wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank).
The wishing stage seldom, if ever, produces change and often leads to more frustration.
The working stage, in contrast to the wishing stage, does produce real change. Working a relationship however, takes…WORK. Although you can make a decision to change in an instant, and actually succeed at changing in an instant, maintaining that change takes consistent work, energy, and determination.
Many people have developed very poor relationship habits over many years. Replacing these old habits with new ones is like starting a new exercise program: the more you exercise, the easier it gets, until one day it finally becomes a new habit. Working your relationship muscles requires that you exercise them daily until your healthy responses become second nature to you. This takes time and effort.
A key difficulty with change is getting over the idea that there’s a quick fix to your problems. Regardless of whether you’re struggling with your child, parent, partner, boss, or friend, sustained change begins with you and takes time. You have to stop waiting for the other person to change, hoping the relationship will change, or looking for the quick fix and start stepping up and creating change yourself.
Change takes action not just thought. Stop complaining and start doing. Know that change is a process that takes time and be committed to the process. Focus all eyes on your part and stop complaining about things you have no control of…your partner for example.
If you don’t like what your partner is doing then make a request or set a limit; don’t beg him/her to stop…take action. If you know you need to be more cherishing, stop saying you know you need to be more cherishing but then not cherish. Either do it or don’t, but don’t excuse yourself. If you truly want a better relationship, then pull up your sleeves and get to work.
Start changing your behaviors and watch how that changes your partner’s. Don’t settle for anything less than respectful and don’t dish out anything less than respectful. Next, move to not settling for anything less than cherishing and not dishing out anything less than cherishing. Whatever your issue, decided whether or not you really want it to change or you just wish it would. If you’re in the wishing stage, know that you’re not ready yet for change; sit back and observe until you’re ready to move things.
CHALLENGE: If things in your relationship are not going well, make a decision about whether or not you want to change them. If so, do it wholeheartedly and commit to the process with courage and determination. If you know you’re miserable yet you barely have the energy to think about the relationship (let alone change it), perhaps you’re not ready for change right now. Stop complaining and just quietly observe–until you’re ready to take action.