I always loved the song “There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.” It has a great beat, the message is clear, and the examples are very straight forward. I’m therefore going to use this song to get across a message I write about frequently: setting limits.
I’m using one scenario in the hopes that you are able to generalize to any other scenario that is playing out in your own life. The content may be different; however, the process is the same.
There are often, if not always, several different ways to set limits on a behavior you find intolerable. Although you can’t force someone to stop the behavior, you absolutely can make it more uncomfortable for him/her to do the behavior; you also can protect yourself from the impact of a particular behavior by setting limits around it.
Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:
The scenario is:
Your partner likes to drink a lot at parties. Nine times out of ten, he then gets loud, obnoxious, embarrassing and, on occasion, mean. You’ve pleaded, begged, talked to him calmly, talked to him not so calmly, threatened to divorce him, told him you loved him, told him you hate him, and on and on. You have tried everything in the book to get through to him and make him drink more responsibly, yet nothing has worked.
What do you do?
In six words or less…stop talking and start setting limits.
Ten Possible limits (you may choose any or all):
1. Contract with your partner that he will have no more than a certain number of drinks. If he has more than what you have contracted on, then you will take a taxi home.
2. Take two cars to any future parties due to how he behaves when he drinks.
3. No longer attend social parties with him until you are confident this is no longer a problem.
4. Be clear that you do not enjoy being in his presence when he’s drinking and will leave the room, party, restaurant, etc., should he choose to drink in your presence.
5. Agree that he will not come home drunk and instead will make plans to stay at a friend’s house if he knows he will be drinking to excess.
6. Let him know that if he is ever mean to you while he’s drinking, or otherwise, you will end the conversation immediately and leave the room. You will discuss things with him when he’s able to be respectful.
7. If you’re concerned about drinking and driving, make a contract with him that you will be the designated driver–if you go. Agree that he will get a ride with a friend or take a taxi home if you don’t go.
8. If this issue continues to be a problem and he breaks any contract you make around his drinking, let him know you will be attending Al-anon meetings and doing what you need to take care of yourself around this issue.
9. If the issue continues to escalate, move into a separate bedroom and don’t act as though the relationship is good when it’s not.
10. Refuse to have parties in your home where any alcohol is involved.
These are just some examples of limits you can set around one issue. If you have any other examples, I’d love to hear about them. In the meantime, know that the limit you set will depend on the seriousness of the issue, whether or not contracts have already been made and broken around it, and how willing your partner is to work with you on the issue at hand.
If your partner is not at all willing to work with you, then you will have to set limits that you have total control of (i.e., going to a party, taking your own car). If your partner’s willing to work with you, make contracts that feel comfortable to both and then follow through on the “what if” part of the contract.
Ultimately, remember that although you cannot control your partner, you can control what you do in response to him/her. Knowing you have choices may assist you in not feeling so helpless.
Challenge: Take a moment to think about an issue you’ve been complaining, threatening, and/or begging about and instead make a list of five possible limits you could set.
Choose one limit from your list and set it.
Check in around what happens if you’re willing.