My son accidentally stepped on his sister’s foot the other day and when she yelped “OUCH!” my son replied, “WHAT?! It’s not like I meant to do it.” I explained that his intention had nothing to do with how much it hurt. I also let him know that he needed to apologize for the pain it caused even though it was an accident.
This incident led me to thinking about how often adults do this. Adults will often use their intentions as a way of minimizing the impact of what they do. Some examples of this include:
• “Well, it’s not like I intended to have an affair; it just happened.”
• “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was just angry and I blurted it out.”
• “It’s not like I meant to embarrass you in front of your colleagues. I didn’t realize they were
behind me.”
Your intentions are irrelevant when your behavior causes pain. It doesn’t matter if you intended to have an affair, the fact is you did…and it caused a tremendous amount of pain. The fact that you lost your temper and called your wife a b*tch or your husband a son of a b*tch doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or it wasn’t out of line and disrespectful. It was. Own it. Take responsibility for your actions whole-heartedly, without excusing them due to your intentions.
Good intentions often lead to hurtful actions. Affairs are a great example of this. I know of many affairs that started because one person was struggling and the other person tried to provide emotional support. There was never any intent, in the initial stages, to have an affair with this person; the intent was only to help. The end result however, is the same whether the person intended to have the affair or not: a horrendous breech of trust, a very painful process, and often a subsequent broken family. All started with a great intention.
The next time people you love are hurt by something you do–regardless of your intention–apologize. Repair it, own it, and don’t justify it in any way, simply make amends with an open heart and make sure you don’t do the same thing again.
Challenge: Pay attention to how you use “good intentions” as an excuse for hurtful behaviors and /or poor choices. If you have recently done this, go back to the person and make amends.