The divorce rate remains as high today as it was decades ago. Individuals are waiting longer and longer to get married and many are choosing to never get married in the first place. Couples are swinging, teens are embracing the idea of “friends with benefits” and people continue to complain about being lonely and desperately wanting a soul mate. So what’s the deal? It seems people can’t find the answer to their need for intimacy and connection no matter where they look. What’s up?
What’s up is that too many people want the perks of intimacy without doing the work of intimacy. Too many people seem to want what they want without having to tune in or care about what someone else might want, too.
Relationships are empty, marriages are failing and people are lonely because human beings are forgetting the basics of being humane. Below are common behaviors that squash connection and harm relationships. If you’re not happy with your relationship, take a look at the list below. If you’re doing anything on this list—then you have a big role in making your relationship miserable.
1. Minimally talk. If you don’t like to talk, have conversations or listen to others talk, then stay single. Relationships are about connection, not simply sharing the same space.
2. Intimidate with anger. No one likes to be intimidated or bullied. If you choose to not control your anger, then you’re scary. It’s impossible to be vulnerable and emotionally connected to someone who is constantly blowing up and intimidating you with his/her anger. Calm your anger down or get help, but stop freaking out on those around you.
3. Put tasks before relationships. Being responsible or on top of things is one thing, but constantly taking care of a never ending To Do list while forever putting off your family and fun is entirely different. There will always be something more to do—don’t fool yourself into thinking those things are more important than people and relationships.
4. Dismiss. It is not your job to decide whether or not what someone says is important. It’s your job to assume that if they’re telling you something is important—it is.
5. Silence. Not speaking about something that bothers you creates long-term pain and problems. Your silence is not “saving” the relationship, it’s killing it. Speak your truth respectfully and allow the chips to fall where they may. Not speaking it guarantees a negatively skewed outcome.
Healthy relationships are a mutual blend of give and take—via communication, actions, kindness, sentiment and support. If you’re in a relationship, remember to act like you are. Be considerate of the other person’s needs and wants, likes and dislikes. Be interested in their day, their thoughts and their emotions—and share yours. Have conversations, be kind, tune in to the other person and step out of your comfort zone. Relationships are not all about you—and nor are they all about the other person. Make room for both of you in a relationship and you will go far. Put down the phone, pay attention and embark on a cool journey of exploration, connection and support.
Challenge: If you want great relationships, you have to be great in them. Look over the list above and if you’re doing anything on this list—change it. If someone you’re with is doing anything on this list—hold him/her accountable for changing his/her moves. Great relationships don’t just happen—they’re made.