Making mistakes is part of our humanity. We will never be able to stop making them, however we can certainly learn to stop repeating the same ones, be accountable for the ones we do make and not justify our mistakes because of the actions of others. These three pieces are vital to effective apologies.
Here are ten tips on how to make a heartfelt, effective apology:
1. “Low and slow”: When speaking your apology, lower your voice and speak slowly. Throwing an apology out in haste will weaken your apology every time. Keep your voice gentle and your tempo slow.
2. Be concrete: Explain what you’re apologizing for, don’t just say, “I’m sorry” and move on. The more general your apology the weaker it is and the more likely the other person is to doubt it.
3. Combo pact: An apology said alongside an action of repair is by far the most effective apology. Don’t just apologize for what you did–repair it. Fix the damage, make amends, do a different behavior, etc., and show the person that you will do what is necessary to make things right again.
4. Focus: Apologize only for your part. Do not apologize for the entire situation if it wasn’t all your doing or for another person’s behaviors. Own your piece with a genuine heart and do NOT take on anything more than what was yours to be accountable for.
5. Timing: Apologize when you’re able to do so with compassion and tenderness rather than reactivity and annoyance. If you’re too heated in the moment, then take some time to regroup and come back when you can stay grounded and loving.
6. Defensive free zone: Allow your apology to stand alone—without rationalizations, defensiveness or minimizations. A simple, “I’m really sorry. I know I hurt you when I…” will go much further than explaining why you did what you did. Leave the explanations out of the equation.
7. Group apologies: If you were hurtful to one person in front of others, then be willing to apologize to the others as well. If you’re able to catch yourself in the moment and quickly apologize to everyone at once, then do so. Otherwise fix it on a 1:1 level.
8. No spins: Apologize for your piece and STOP. Do NOT spin your apology into an accusation about what the other person did wrong as well (e.g. I’m sorry I yelled, but do you know what you said?! You hit below the belt, so what did you expect me to do?”). Keep your behavior separate and don’t try to piggyback their behavior onto yours.
9. Don’t repeat: Apologizing for something means that you are acknowledging that the behavior was off and not okay. If the behavior was off—DON’T repeat it! If you continue to repeat the poor behavior again and again followed by an apology each time, then your apologies are meaningless. Either mean what you say and stop the behavior or stop apologizing and getting angry when the other person doesn’t believe you.
10. Let them process: Don’t expect your apology to immediately melt the other person’s heart. They may need time to cool off and allow your apology to sink in. Give it to them. And, if you’ve apologized before for this same behavior then you will have to show them you will be different with your actions.
One of the greatest skills we can have in our relationships is the ability to be humble enough to apologize AND repair things when we’ve screwed up. Learn this skill. Practice this skill. Hone this skill.
Challenge: When you make a mistake, say or do something hurtful or are relationally off in your actions, have the humility to own it and repair it. We all make mistakes—don’t make it worse by pretending you didn’t.