On any given day any one of us can react in a split second to annoying events, our partner’s foibles, life circumstances, etc. In fact, many of us have a black belt in reactivity which leads into all sorts of trouble, regrets, and negative consequences.
Reacting is a knee-jerk response to events that trigger us. When we are reacting to something or someone, we are on autopilot with an irrational person at the wheel. We are in no way consciously thinking about the next best move. In fact there is little thinking going on.
This morning, for example, I was driving my children to school and couldn’t pull out of my street due to the traffic. The traffic on the main street I was trying to turn onto was moving steady and slow. No cars would pause to let me enter, and even worse, cars would turn down my street without letting me go before they turned. UGH! After several minutes of this, I let out a sigh of exasperation and said something about how rude these people were. I was definitely having a reaction.
My daughter said, “Mom, come down from the attic and hang out in the family room with everybody else.” (Note: see the post on self-esteem.) My son asked if I would’ve been swearing or giving the finger if he and his sister weren’t in the car. I didn’t answer that question. We all had a little chuckle.
I’m certain that in my younger years I definitely would’ve given the finger; I’d like to think that without my kids in the car now, I would’ve only thought about it.
After my little wake-up call from my children, I did what I tell my kids to do all the time when they get angry…BREATHE. Yes, I decided to slow down and breathe. What a novel idea, I know, but when we are in the midst of being triggered, it is one of the last things we think to do. Sometimes we need an outside reminder to get us back in check.
The point is action versus reaction takes determination, effort, and diligence. It does not come easy…and it’s vital to healthy relationships. If you are a walking hair-trigger, such that everyone and anything sets you off, you cannot possibly have a healthy relationship with yourself or anyone else.
People will side step you, avoid you, tip toe around you, and do everything BUT be relational with you. Being relational requires honesty and authenticity. If the slightest thing triggers you, people will quickly learn to not be real with you. You will keep people distant.
So if you happen to be highly reactive and you say you want true intimacy…be careful what you wish for; true intimacy requires that you settle down your reactivity FIRST. This means when you get triggered and feel like yelling at your partner, or making impolite hand gestures to the driver in front of you, or snapping at the cashier for being slow, etc., you will decide to BREATHE, settle down, and be moderate instead of reactive.
Learn to implement a pause button–on yourself. Your first task during this pause is to calm down and be moderate; this begins by taking slow, deep, centering breaths (in through your nose to a count of four, then slowly release through your mouth to a count of four). If the breathing doesn’t settle you, close your mouth, sit on your hands if necessary, or leave the area. The most important thing is to not be reactive and over the top.
Once you become skilled at calming your reactivity, you’ll be better able to build healthy, intimate relationships.
CHALLENGE: For the next ten days pay attention to your reactivity. Watch how quickly you become angry, how short you get with people when you believe they have done something wrong, and how bothered you become by relatively minor occurrences. Don’t judge, rationalize, or defend this reactivity…just note it.
After paying attention for ten days, begin to intervene and follow one rule: I will do my best to stay calm under all circumstances…because I deserve peace in my life. Repeat this to yourself every time you get reactive until you are able to settle down and be civil and respectful to yourself and those around you. Note the impact of this one change in your life.