Have you ever found yourself going on and on incessantly about something your partner has done? You’re so angry about something s/he just did you can’t help but bring up every other similar offense s/he has done in the past twenty years.
You end up sounding something like this:
“I can’t believe you’re late AGAIN!!! You said you’d be home at 7:00; it’s 7:15. You’re NEVER on time! Last month you did the same thing: you said you’d be home at 6:00 but NOOOOOO of course you can’t make it home at 6:00, you get home at 7:00. You don’t call me, you don’t apologize…NOTHING! Not only that, do you remember when we had that party last year? Oh yeah, that was a great one. I pleaded with you to be on time and you SWORE you would–but were you? Of course not! You weren’t on time then either. You were even late on our wedding day! Yeah, go figure, at MY wedding it’s not the bride who’s traditionally late, of course not, it’s the groom!!! That was twenty years ago and you’re still doing the same damn thing. Your mother told me you were even late for your own birth!!! How screwed up is that?!
Does this sound familiar to anyone? If it does–know that you are not alone. There are hundreds of couples who are trying to deal with this issue on a steady basis. I often hear the men complaining about how their partner is constantly nagging them and bringing up old issues. The women complain that the men keep doing the same damn things so why wouldn’t they bring up other examples.
So what’s the real scoop?
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Well, they’re both right. The women are nagging and often throwing old issues into the pot and the men are often repeating old, toxic behaviors rather than changing them.
Here’s the crux though, when it comes to speaking, bringing everything but the kitchen sink into the discussion is not helpful. You’re partner will tune you out, you will get yourself into an ugly spin, and the likelihood of either of you coming to a rational solution is slim to none.
Instead–keep it current. If you’re partner keeps doing the same behavior, then there’s plenty of current data for you to discuss; no need to bring up old examples when the current one will do just fine. Stay focused, on target, and sane. The calmer and more moderate you are, the better able your partner will be to hear you.
In addition, when you stay calm and your partner gets reactive and irrational, your calmness serves as a mirror to your partner. You’re calmness creates the space necessary for your partner to see him or herself more clearly. So remember to be the mirror not the distraction…Stay current, on target, and sane.
CHALLENGE: When your partner does something you don’t like, stick to the issue at hand. Do not add twenty other issues or examples since it will water down your point and not serve you or your relationship