In a recent post I talked about step one of “Changing me, Changes we”: if we don’t like what we’re getting, then we need to look at what we’re giving. Today I’m going to talk about step two: looking at what we’re accepting.
Sometimes I’m blown away by what people accept and choose to live with day to day. I see people stay with partners who are openly having affairs, are verbally abusive, emotionally cold, blatantly selfish, un-accountable and on and on. Accepting these behaviors only intensifies them; the more they accept, the more their partners give.
Accepting unacceptable behavior trains your partner to give you more unacceptable behavior. If you don’t respect yourself enough to be treated well, then your partner certainly won’t. In fact, the people who are being hurtful and disrespectful are the first ones to say they don’t respect their partners because their partners don’t stand up to them.
How do the people in your life treat you? Does your boss, your friend, your partner and even your child treat you disrespectfully? If so, the common denominator in all these relationships is…you. If everywhere in your life people are disrespectful, then you need to ask yourself why you accept that. If only your romantic partners treat you disrespectfully then what makes it okay for the person you share your bed with to treat you poorly?
We all have the right to be treated respectfully yet not all of us choose to invoke that right. You decide how others are to treat you. You decide what you will and will not accept…even if your partner never stops doing the same behavior. If your limits aren’t working, then you need to up the ante–not accept the behavior. If your loved ones don’t listen, set a limit. If they don’t follow it, up the ante and set a bigger limit. If they don’t follow that, then perhaps it’s time to get help or move on.
Get clear on what you are and are not willing to accept, and make sure your actions back up your words. Your loved ones will respect you more and so will you.
Challenge: Get conscious of the behaviors you are accepting in your life that you don’t like. Is it time to set a limit or perhaps to up the ante? If so, decide what your action is going to be and follow through. Minimally you will feel better for standing up for yourself.