Have you ever watched your partner do something fairly benign and found yourself snapping at them for it? Perhaps you woke up one day being utterly annoyed by the one characteristic that you used to love about your partner. What happened?
When I have couples in my office, I can easily see what’s not being said. As much as I’d like to say this is an amazing gift I have, it’s not. People are often just incredibly obvious about what they’re thinking–even if they don’t verbally share it.
Typically any of the following are signs that something is not being said that needs to be:
• One partner rolling his/her eyes while the other partner is relaying a story.
• A heavy sigh from one partner.
• A staring off into space while one partner is speaking.
• A reddening of the face, clenching of fists, or otherwise tightening of the body.
• An empty promise that is said in an effort to shut down the conversation and move on to less uncomfortable topics.
• A short, snappy reply or comment that seems to come out of nowhere.
There are many reasons we choose to not deal with issues head on, including: trying to avoid a conflict, believing our partner won’t listen anyway, not knowing exactly what it is that’s bothering us, being too tired, not trusting that it will help, wanting to be nice, etc. The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. The bottom line is we tell our partner in many ways that we’re annoyed with him/her, however seldom do we do this directly.
What many people don’t realize is just because we don’t speak these things, doesn’t mean they’re not impacting us or our relationship. Unspoken issues have a tendency of side swiping us and our partners. They also erode the relationship over time.
Part of being in an intimate relationship means having difficult conversations (in a respectful way). Avoiding these, avoids intimacy. Avoiding these also builds resentment. Over time, the resentment becomes so big that it creeps in everywhere. Next thing you know, you’re annoyed by the way your partner leaves the cap off the toothpaste, or by the way they laugh, or comb their hair or…
Don’t allow the resentments to build up in your relationship. Learn how to speak directly, in the moment, what’s happening for you. If you don’t like your partner’s tone, say so–verbally. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, or walk away–it will bug you all the more the next time, and chances are it’s not going away without you addressing it.
Challenge: Pay attention to the times you feel annoyed or are short with your partner. Take a moment to ask yourself if there’s something you’re not saying that perhaps need to be said. If so, speak it–respectfully of course.