I’ve worked with many couples whose relationships have been impacted by affairs. Nine times out of ten the person having the affair says s/he wasn’t looking for it to happen. The problem is s/he also wasn’t safe guarding from it happening.
On the extreme, I’ve watched individuals who send a thousand signals out to the world that they’re available. They flirt voraciously with anyone in their presence, they are very touchy, they make suggestive comments constantly, and you can spot them a mile away. Individuals on this level are often trying to fuel their self esteem through love and sex. If they are getting attention, they feel good, if they are not, they don’t.
More often however, are the individuals who are just unconscious. They don’t go out looking for an affair and in fact, they have given affairs little, if any, thought. So if they find themselves in one, they often say “it just happened”.
Seldom, in my experience, do affairs “just happen”. Often there are several indicators that an affair is likely to happen (even if it’s a one-night stand). Some of these indicators include: an attraction, an increase in communication, “innocent” flirting, increased sharing of more personal issues…and that’s just the beginning. By the time the affair actually happens there were so many warning signs that you’d have to be in a coma to miss them.
The reality is, not looking for affairs is not enough. We have to consciously safe guard against them if we don’t’ want to become another statistic. First off, we need to make a conscious decision that an affair is not an option—no matter how tempting or how difficult our relationship may be. Second, it’s important to consistently put out signals that we are married or in a monogamous relationship and unavailable.
Third, it’s vital to be aware of the warning signs I just mentioned and if one of those signs presents itself, to immediately cut the tie and pull back.
These are just some of the ways to safeguard our relationships. We’re all human and as such, temptation is a part of life. Having successful relationships requires that we are conscious. Make a decision to remove affairs from your realm of possibilities. Next, make sure your actions align with that decision.
Challenge: If you are in a committed relationship make a conscious decision to take affairs off the table. Act as though you are in a committed relationship even when you are not with your partner. If things aren’t going well, discuss it, work it out or get help…don’t use it as an excuse to be hurtful. There is no excuse for affairs and the damage can be insurmountable.