Conflict is inevitable. Regardless of whether you’re the most down-to-earth, go-with-the-flow person in the world or a meticulous, type A personality, the reality is that you will experience conflict in your life. The only true question regarding conflict is, therefore, not whether you will or won’t experience it, but how you will respond to it.
Conflicts, by themselves, are not a bad thing. In fact, they can often be extremely helpful and productive when handled well. Unfortunately, countless people don’t know how to resolve conflicts effectively and relationally. Instead, some people try to avoid conflict at all cost while others get locked into a conflict at the drop of a hat. Neither extreme is very effective.
When it comes to conflicts, here are a few basic, easy-to-follow rules:
What NOT to do:
1. Don’t silence: Silence is a guarantee that nothing will change. It blocks all avenues to solution and keeps things stuck. Do not walk away, give someone the cold shoulder or hope someone else will address the conflict for you. Instead, step up and step in. Deal with the issue directly and in a timely fashion.
2. Don’t lie: Lying, speaking indirectly or sugar-coating information is frustrating to all involved. The more indirect you are, the more confusing your message becomes. It should not be up to the other person to decipher what you really mean. They’re not mind-readers so don’t ask them to be. Also, if you’re struggling to find the courage to speak honestly about an issue, then don’t speak about the issue until you find the courage to do so honestly. Speak to the issue at hand in an honest, upfront way
3. Don’t bully: Conflict does not have to be aggressive. Make sure that you are respectful in all conflicts and not trying to bully your way through someone’s views, opinions or choices. Be clear, be honest and even be firm if you need to be, but do not be abusive, threatening or intense. Bullying makes you unsafe and rots out marriages, jobs and friendships.
What To Do:
1. Say it straight; speak to the issue at hand. Addressing conflicts as they arise is often the best approach—at work, home and with friends.
2. Get clarity: Determine where you stand regarding a conflict, what you want changed and what you’re willing to do about it. Don’t forget to examine the risks of your taking this action step.
3. Take action: An easy approach to conflict is to think “Mirror-Request-Limit.” Regardless of whether you’re at work, with a friend or with your lover, you need to decide which action is the one you’re willing to take at that moment.
a. Mirror simply means drawing attention to the behavior you don’t like by holding up a mirror to it. For example, if someone is snapping at you, simply say, “Wow, that’s intense” or “That was harsh” or “You’re snapping at me.” Holding a figurative mirror up to the behavior is often the first place to start.
b. Request: for those moments when you’re clear about what you would like to be different, ask directly. For example, “Please lower your tone when you’re talking to me.” You can choose to make a request first or do so after you have held the “mirror” up and they have not responded.
c. Limit: if you’re clear that this is something that is not okay and you’re ready to follow through on a limit, then state it. For example, “Lower your tone or I am ending this conversation.” If they don’t comply, then follow through with what you said you would do. Setting a limit should be your first move in response to physical, verbal or emotional abuse. It can come after the mirror and request in non-abusive situations.
Conflicts are a part of life. The better skilled you become in addressing them head on in a direct, respectful way, the easier it will be to create healthy relationships. Always speak in a centered, confident way with compassion and empathy for both you and the person on the other side. Practice this centered strength and you will do well.
CHALLENGE: Take a moment to objectively look at yourself in terms of how you respond to conflicts. Make sure you stop doing what you shouldn’t be doing and start doing what you should be doing. Notice what changes you see as a result.