Resentments creep up in relationships all the time. You’re resentful that your partner works all the time. You’re resentful that your boss gave your co-worker a raise, but not you. You feel resentment at your parents for the way they raised you and now expect you to take care of them. You’re resentful that your children take advantage of you…and on and on.
The truth is that resentments can grow at an absurd rate if you’re not careful. I say if YOU are not careful…because YOU are the only one responsible for your resentments. Your resentments are not the fault of other people.
Take that in for a minute…your resentments are not because of other people or their behavior.
I realize that when you read the above statements it may be a bit difficult to take in, and even more difficult to actually believe. You may believe that your feeling resentful at someone is, in fact, because of the other person’s behavior and therefore your resentments are the other person’s fault. You may also feel very righteous about this.
Although I get that many people think this way, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Blaming your resentments on others is misplaced blame; it is also incredibly disempowering to you.
Resentments happen because of your response—or lack of response—to the behavior and actions of others. Resentments are about things unspoken and unaddressed. They happen when:
• You silence yourself.
• You twist yourself into a pretzel to not upset another person.
• You allow others to treat you poorly and do nothing about it (FYI: yelling about something is not DOING anything about it).
• You say nothing in an attempt to protect the other person’s feelings, ego or “fragility.”
• You over-extend yourself and put the needs of others above your own.
• You ignore your inner voice, gut or instincts and instead listen to the opinions of others.
In essence, people get resentful when they don’t have their own back. It does not matter how you rationalize not speaking about an issue. The bottom line is, when you don’t speak, you put the welfare of the other person above your own. The result: resentment.
If you’re tired of feeling resentful then stop looking at the other person, wishing they would change. Healthy relationships start with a healthy you. If you can’t speak to what’s going on for you and take action when necessary, you will struggle in your relationships. Know that you deserve to be treated well…and then act like you do.
Challenge: Pay attention to all the things you don’t say, all the actions you take that you don’t want to take and all the behaviors you allow others to get away with in an effort to avoid discomfort (yours or theirs).