Recently, while at a workshop with my long time mentor Terry Real, I was struck by his comment: “It is co-dependant when you back away from functional behaviors because of fear of your partner’s dysfunctional behavior.” I immediately started to chuckle when I heard this because I know so many of us do it.
We are constantly making decisions on how to approach our partners based on how we believe our partners will respond versus what the most relationally healthy move would be. Here are several real life examples of this (the names have been changed to protect the innocentJ):
- Karen has been angry for weeks about her husband’s affair but has chosen to stop talking to him about it because she knows he will continue to get defensive and tell her to just get over it. She wants to ask him to go into counseling with her, however has chosen to not ask him because she is certain he will refuse.
- Ted has chosen to stay quiet about his wife’s rage because he knows if he tries to discuss it with her she’ll rage and get out of control.
- Sally continues to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook, do the laundry etc., because she’s concerned that if she speaks to her husband about it, he’ll become angry and defensive.
- Tom does not address his wife’s drinking because he’s concerned that she will dismiss him and tell him she only drinks so she doesn’t have to deal with him.
We back away from functional behaviors all the time because of our partner’s “potential” response. We believe backing away is the better of two evils, (at least I’ll have a moment’s peace if I don’t say anything). Unfortunately, the peace is short-lived and often leads to more hardships in the long run.
The more we back away, the more ingrained the problems become. When we back off because of our partner’s dysfunctional behavior, we reinforce that dysfunctional behavior. We also shut down a part of ourselves.
If there’s something bothering you in your relationship, speak it. Deal with the issue directly, in a calm manner, and don’t alter your behavior because of how you imagine your partner will respond. Choose your behavior based on what is the healthiest, most functional, relational move you can make and then respond to what you get in an equally, relationally healthy way.
CHALLENGE: If there is an issue in your relationship you have been tip-toeing around due to fear of your partner’s response, then pretend s/he will have a different response and stop the tip-toeing.