It’s amazing how we trick ourselves into not seeing what we see. We will rationalize, make excuses for, or disassociate from aspects of our relationship that we don’t want to acknowledge.
Whether it’s pushing down that knowing feeling that our partner’s cheating, or the realization that our partner truly doesn’t treat us well, it’s all the same denial. We can tell ourselves s/he’s tired, stressed, struggles with intimacy, had a tough childhood, or a number of other excuses. But the bottom line is: something’s not right. The challenge is: will we allow ourselves to see that?
Sometimes the thing we’re pushing down is subtle and more of a wake-up call than an emergency flare. Perhaps we’ve been more busy than usual and when we slow down to check in we realize we feel distant from our partner. If we allow ourselves to take this in, it’s easy enough to fix. This was just life throwing us a curve ball. As long as we allow ourselves to see what we see, we can get back on track.
There are other times, however, when the thing we’re pushing down isn’t just a subtle wake-up call. It’s a huge red flare. This flare can be right in the center of our relationship and we pretend it’s not there.
If you’re a person who’s wearing blinders in your relationship, it’s time to take them off. If your partner’s snapping at you for no reason, again and again, s/he’s not stressed—s/he is belligerent and argumentative. If your partner’s not coming home until 1:00 in the morning due to “work,” s/he’s not a good worker—s/he minimally has poor boundaries and likely is having an affair, or looking for one to happen. If your partner blames you for his/her affair, s/he is not remorseful—s/he is untrustworthy and likely to have another.
If your partner treats you poorly, takes you for granted, is disrespectful, refuses to listen to you, isn’t supportive, and acts as though you are lucky to be with him/her—you are not lucky…you are in bad relationship with someone who doesn’t care enough to treat you right. Allow yourself to see what you see.
If your partner loves you, you should know it, not have to guess it. Love is not pain. Love is a positive feeling not a life stressor. It can be like a soothing balm on the everyday hurts of life.
If your relationship is more like a constant road rash than a soothing balm, it’s time to look more closely at why you’re still there. Stop minimizing and rationalizing poor behaviors. Allow yourself to see what you see and take the blinders off.
Challenge: Take a moment and be honest with yourself. Is there anything that is gnawing at you that you haven’t allowed yourself to take in? If so, allow yourself to let it in. Next, decide what you want to do with this information. Either talk to your partner about it, make a plan to change it, or, if necessary, get help. Allow yourself to see what you see.