I continue to see more and more female clients who’ve been unhappy in their relationships for years, yet have said little or nothing about it. They’ve tried to do what their partners wanted, be sexual if their partners asked, not complain when they didn’t like something and be supportive of their partners at all costs.
After years of bottling everything up, the couples typically come into my office either because the women have threatened to leave the relationship or the men are unhappy with their sex life. As I ask more questions, it’s evident that the women have been unhappy for years and the men had no idea. Many of the women complained very little throughout the years, “hoping” they would feel more love for their partners. When this didn’t happen, they lost all sexual desire for their partners and subsequently stopped having sex with them.
Often these women blamed their lack of sexual desire on themselves and continued saying nothing about their unhappiness in the relationship. The men believed they were content.
Meanwhile, each year that goes by without a word from the women about their dissatisfaction, leads to more and more resentment, depression, loss of desire and eventually a serious breakdown in the relationship. The women eventually grow to cringe when their partner touches them. They get easily annoyed by anything he does and they begin to think about escape.
The men are subsequently at a loss. They have no idea what happened and they are often shocked to hear that their partners were unhappy. They believe the real problem is that the women have untreated trauma or some type of sexual problem that needs to be explored and fixed. The last thing they imagine is that their behavior contributed to the woman’s unhappiness.
The men are shell-shocked. Why didn’t she say this before? Why did she continue to act as if everything were fine? And, why now is she going to the opposite extreme of wanting out of this relationship or shutting down all sex?
The most common answer women give to all these questions: “Because I didn’t want to hurt you.” When asked why, all of a sudden, they want to end the relationship, the women say, “I’ve been unhappy for years and hoped it would go away. Now I can’t live like this anymore.”
Note to women: Not speaking up for years and then shutting down (because that’s what naturally happens when you don’t speak up) is not protecting your partners from hurt. It’s creating more pain—for you AND your partner.
In addition, your silence, in response to poor treatment, encourages more poor treatment. Implicit in silence is acceptance. If you don’t speak up about it, you send the message that it’s okay. The other people in your life continue their poor treatment of you and then you get angry, resentful, depressed and shut down — a lose-lose for everyone.
This is a losing proposition even when we’re not speaking about poor treatment, but simple things like where to go to eat or how your partner touches you or (fill in the blank). When you say nothing the other person knows nothing. Stop trying not to make waves, hurt people, make a big deal out of things or (fill in the blank) and start standing up for yourself, your relationship and your life. Do so with a nuanced strength that is centered, composed and authentic.
Your silence is not helping you, your partner, your children or anyone else in your life. Healthy relationships require a healthy you. You can’t be healthy and silenced at the same time.
CHALLENGE: If you are silencing yourself in an effort to not hurt those around you—stop it. Your silence is not a gift, it’s a curse. Learn to speak up for what you want, don’t want, like and don’t like with a quiet, powerful, nuanced strength. Your voice is a gift—use it.