Many of us play the victim at some point in our lives, yet are unaware of what we’re doing. Playing the victim happens when we decide to accept the unacceptable. The unacceptable includes poor treatment, hurtful interactions and toxic environments.
I’m constantly hearing stories about raging partners, bosses or managers. Interwoven into many of these stories is a sense of hopelessness or powerlessness:
• “My boss is yelling in my face. What am I supposed to do…tell them to stop? They’ll fire me or just get more angry.”
• “My husband is in love with another woman. What can I do about that? If I tell him he can’t see us both, he’ll choose her and leave me. I can’t do that.”
• “I can’t tell my wife I don’t like her volatility—she’ll go nuts on me. You don’t understand how crazy she can get. It’s best to just try to keep her calm and protect my kids.”
• “My husband has a drinking problem, but won’t admit it. There’s nothing I can do if he’s going to stay in denial.”
There are endless examples of excuses we make for not taking action to improve our lives. The allure of taking the victim position (there’s nothing I can do) to our problems can be very appealing. In many ways taking this position takes us off the hook. We can blame our misery on others, we don’t have to deal with the backlash of standing up for ourselves and we can save what little energy we may have. Sadly, in many ways, lack of action can provide us with some respite in the short run.
In the long run, however, our inaction not only doesn’t serve us—it actually harms us. When we don’t stand up for ourselves, it takes its toll on us physically, emotionally and spiritually. Playing the victim can lead to depression, auto-immune problems and even cancer. I’ve had too many women come into my office following a breast cancer diagnosis who told me they believed it was their marriage that was killing them. It wasn’t until they were diagnosed with cancer that they decided to stop playing a victim to life. Please note that I’m not saying all cancer is caused by this phenomenon, AND some illness definitely is a result of us not taking care of ourselves emotionally.
Thinking we have no control of our situation is a lie we tell ourselves to avoid the fear that comes up when we choose to take the steps necessary for change. It is often easier to accept poor treatment than it is to run the risk of losing our partner, our job or our friend. Consequently, our lack of action is most often the result of our choosing the less of two evils, not our lack of power to create change.
Every time we choose to play the victim and not take action, it’s vital that we look at the long-term consequences for that decision, not just the consequences here and now. The long-term consequences, more often than not, warrant action today. When we accept the unacceptable, we end up chipping away at a part of ourselves, until one day we wake up and we wonder how the hell our life ended up the way it did. When we play the victim, our life is formed by one decision after another to not take action until the end result is a life you swore you would never lead.
If you tend to play the victim, wake up. Stop excusing your lack of action and taking a backseat in your life. You are the only one who can create the life you want and deserve. You’re not serving yourself or your relationships by convincing yourself there’s nothing you can do. Listen to your gut and, instead, do what you know you should’ve done a long time ago.
You’ll feel better for it and your life will change as a result.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to the areas in your life where you have been playing the victim. Choose one area and tune in. Listen to your wisest voice and get clear on the step you need to take. Feel the fear that comes up when you listen and do it anyway. Refuse to play the victim and step into your life with a quiet, centered, powerful strength. Take control of your life.