Chances are you’ve heard the rumor that women have been faking orgasms since the beginning of time—to please their man. They don’t want him to feel inept or unsatisfied or… Not surprisingly women are also agreeing to be sexual, even when they don’t want to be—just to get it over with? Why? …so the man doesn’t get upset, pout, or get angry if she says no.
As I’m writing this, I’m aware of what a crazy message we have about men. It’s as though women have been trained to view men as fragile little boys—and unfortunately, some men have acted as such. What is up that we fear men can’t take a “No”? Why is it that when some men are told no, they believe they have the right to make their partners pay? This is crazy thinking, and neither women nor men are doing each other any favors in this arena.
First off, to the women: If you are having sex with your partner out of obligation not choice, you are behaving, as Terry Real says, a “sex slave.” If the way you determine whether or not you are going to be sexual is by the reaction you believe you will get from your partner, then you are in dangerous waters. This is not helpful to you or to him. Behaving as a sex slave eventually leads to resentment and is the fast track to lack of sexual desire. It is also playing into your partner’s warped sense of entitlement.
You are a human being, not an object. Stop acting like an object and take care of yourself by setting healthy limits for you and your partner. Being sexual is an act of intimacy–it’s not something to use to calm your partner down. It’s a cool way to connect–for the both of you.
Now, to the men: Being sexual with your partner is another way of being intimate in your relationship. If you pout, get angry, or put out a stink every time your partner says no (which is her right as well as yours), then you are shooting yourself in the foot. Eventually your partner will tire of your childlike behavior and will shut down even more sexually. Sex is not about you…it’s about the two of you. Make sure you treat it as such.
Making love is a great way to share ourselves with one another. It can enhance connection, strengthen our relationship, and add some fun and joy into our potentially stressful lives. Will there be some times when we’re not quite in the mood yet we can get in it?—yes. Don’t confuse that choice, however, with obligation. If you choose to be sexual even when you’re tired because you know you’ll enjoy it and you want to feel that connection—great. If you choose to be sexual to get your partner off your back—that’s being a sex slave. It’s a bad precedent to get into, and it’s selling you and your partner short.
Challenge: If you have been having sex to calm your partner down or to avoid conflict, it’s time to rethink your actions. Instead of giving in, begin to stand up and be clear with your partner about what you want and don’t want in your relationship sexually.
If you’ve been pouting or getting angry every time your partner says no, it’s time to grow up and realize that you both have the right to say no—and to expect that your partner will respect that answer.
Note: Although this post focuses on men pursuing and women giving in, it’s important to note that it can also be the other way around.