On my Straight Talk Live call today one person asked, “Is it possible to ever respect your partner again after an affair.” This was such an interesting question because, as the caller stated, most of the information about healing from an affair is about trust not respect. The truth is the two often go hand in hand.
It’s very common for the betrayed partner to lose respect for the offending partner following an affair. Common statements by betrayed partners include:
• “I just didn’t think my wife was that kind of person.”
• “He had everyone fooled, I guess. I suppose his true colors finally came out.”
• “He’s not the person I thought I married.”
• “We obviously don’t have the same values anymore. I can’t even bear to look at her.”
Although the wording may be different, the sentiment is the same – “I’ve lost all respect for my partner.” Many people struggle with this loss the most. They just can’t seem to shake the feeling of disappointment or even disgust in their partner. They may also feel a lot of shame about being with a person who would do that.
It’s important to note that these feelings are normal…and yes, you can gain back the respect you once had for your partner. However, respecting your partner depends, in large part, on how your partner responds to being caught and goes about repairing the damage done.
If your partner shows little remorse, continues to lie, justifies the affair or refuses to discuss the affair at any length, then your respect will most likely remain where it was when you first found out about the affair. There won’t be any change because your partner is not acting in a way that warrants respect.
Respect needs to be earned. The recovery time for affairs ranges from three to five years…and that’s with the best of responses from the perpetrator. The offending partner should be vigilant about honesty (being where supposed to be, coming home on time, no contact with affair partner, etc.), scrupulous about taking full responsibility for the affair and be patient and understanding when the non-offending partner has doubts, sadness or moments of distrust (Note: the non-offending partner needs to be respectful – but not toxic — with these emotions).
If at least six months have gone by and your partner has been doing all the right things and you still don’t respect him/her, it may be too much for you to get past. Remember, however, that we are all human and all make mistakes — even the best of us. Be careful to not sit in judgment of others with a cold heart and contemptuous mind. This will not help you now or in the future.
If you’re struggling with this issue, take a look at how forgiving you are in general, and see if vindictiveness is your pattern. If it is, you would be wise to work on it. If you tend to be fairly forgiving, but struggle with this particular instance, then it may just be too much. There is no guilt in staying or going, as long as you make the decision from a centered, well-thought-out place.
CHALLENGE: If you’re struggling with respecting your partner after an affair, figure out the culprit – is it your partner’s poor attempts at healing it, your unhealthy self-righteousness, or just that it’s too much for you to get past? If it’s your partner’s lack of repair, then your lack of respect is a healthy response. If you struggle with forgiving anyone for anything – it’s you who are off and it’s you who will benefit from looking self-examination. If you just can’t get past it, be honest with your partner and know that it’s okay to move on.