How many times have you said, or heard someone else say, “Oh s/he didn’t mean to say that. S/he was just mad”? Or heard one partner say to anther that s/he didn’t mean to hurt them…it just happened? I’ve heard one form or another of these many, many times over the years. It’s as though people believe that pain is just a part of love. Many believe the old adage “love hurts.”
Here’s the problem, though, with going along with this adage: it’s wrong. Plain and simple, it’s incorrect. It’s a lie people tell themselves to help rationalize some very painful experiences inflicted by “loved ones.” It also sets people up to be in very painful relationships for very long periods of time.
Destructive messages are passed down to couples so much by our society that it’s amazing the divorce rate is only 50 percent. We see reports ad-nauseum about how common infidelity is, which sends a clear message that everyone’s doing it. If everyone’s doing it, then don’t feel too bad if you are too. We drive by billboards saying, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” which blatantly tells us that as long as we don’t get caught it’s okay–“No harm, no foul.” We’ve been told throughout the ages that “love hurts.” This lets us know that shouldn’t expect smooth sailing in any of our romantic relationships. In fact, we should expect rough seas often…it’s just a part of the territory.
These messages are crazy messages. Love should not hurt. Love should feel good, warm, and tender. Of course there will be times when you and your partner will have difficulties; however, these times should be the exception not the norm. It should not be painful, hurtful, or scary to be in love. Emotionally scary due to feeling vulnerable–yes, but scary in terms of physical or emotional safety–NO.
So the next time you go home and your partner hurts you, yet again, remember that the old adage of “love hurts” is a lie. Love doesn’t hurt, people hurt. When the people who hurt you are your loved ones, it’s not something to be expected, it’s simply even more painful.
Challenge: If you’re in a relationship where pain is the norm, be clear that this is not what love is supposed to be like. Make a decision to do something about it. Take steps to either turn this relationship into a loving one or move on and insure that your next one is.