I was watching the Kids’ Choice Awards one night and Will Smith made a comment to the kids that they will become like the kids they hang out with (my interpretation of his comment). In coaching, this phenomenon is called the Law of Attraction: we attract what we put out.
How many criminals do you know who hang around law-abiding citizens? How many financially successful individuals hang around with those in the lowest economic level? How many drug addicts hang around with people who live a nutritionally and relationally healthy lifestyle? Although there are some exceptions, the answer to all of these questions is a resounding: not many.
Why? Because we attract people who are similar to us.
If we play small, chances are our friends also play small. We are who we hang around with. I have found that as we get healthier, our bar for friendships and partnerships gets raised.
This isn’t because we become snobs or believe we are better than anyone else; it is because as we get healthier, we choose to be in healthier relationships. We realize that we deserve to treated well, we learn to treat others well, and we make a decision to create relationships that fuel us rather than zap our energy.
I strongly believe in the concept of Changing Me, Changes We. The best way for me to create healthy relationships is for me to become healthy. If I continually point at my partner’s flaws and don’t work my own then I’m at his whim. All my growth is reliant on his growth. When I focus on me, I’m in control of my growth.
As I get healthier, I will naturally attract healthier people and relationships to me. If he gets healthier, great–if not, then I don’t have the desire to beg, plead, wish, cajole, etc. I will simply state what I need. If he chooses to work on himself and meets me, we co-create a new, enriching relationship. If he doesn’t meet me then I will be sad. However, I won’t keep myself in a relationship that isn’t good for me. As I get healthier I won’t be able to tolerate the unhealthy.
As we get healthy, we begin to attract healthier relationships into our lives and become better able to embrace them. The Law of Attraction is a powerful force. Look around you. Who are you attracting…or not attracting? If you don’t have many friends, chances are you are not being a good friend. If your relationship is unhealthy, chances are you are also unhealthy. What area do you need to clean up? Stop looking at those around you to fix the problem and begin to look at you and fix it. You will be amazed at the impact this one move will make.
Challenge: Take an inventory on your relationships. Which ones are healthy, which ones are not? What move do you need to make to change this? Is there a particular area in your life that is consistently poor (i.e., friendships, romantic relationships, parent-child)? If so, stop looking at the other person and change you. Take note of what you begin to attract once you take this step.