Over the years I have seen families, friendships, marriages and even work groups be pulled down by one emotionally unhealthy person after another. I’ve seen:
• Four-year-olds control an entire family with their tantrums.
• Wives cater to the intimidation, defensiveness and bullying of their husbands.
• Husbands tip-toeing around the volatility and emotional reactivity of their wives.
• Children forced to cower to their emotionally-unhealthy parent because their other parent is doing the same thing and won’t stand up to protect the children.
• Women cut off from their friends and family due to pressure, intimidation, anger or threats from their boyfriend/spouse.
• Fathers not attend their daughter’s weddings because their new wives felt threatened by their relationships with the daughter.
Below are several faulty beliefs that lead to the above scenarios:
• Faulty Belief: If s/he does everything the unhealthy person wants, things will somehow work out and the unhealthy person will become calm and happy.
Reality: When someone is emotionally unhealthy, seldom will your behaviors calm him/her down in any long-lasting sense. S/he will be calm or rational only until the next thing sets them off.
• Faulty Belief: It’s better to say nothing and avoid a blow up than it is to risk conflict.
Reality: Saying nothing actually says that you agree with the behavior at hand. Inherent in a person’s silence is acceptance. If you silence to someone’s rage, you teach that person that his/her rage works.
• Faulty Belief: If I just shower my children with love, they won’t feel the sting of the other parent’s anger.
Reality: Children feel the sting whenever they are stung. Your love is great…and it doesn’t erase the pain and fear of an unhealthy parent.
• Faulty Belief: It’s better to say nothing than to say something that I know the person won’t listen to or change.
Reality: When you say nothing to hurtful or unhealthy behavior you get a double hit, so to speak. First, you take a hit from the other person and then you take a hit from yourself for quietly allowing it. If you don’t have your own back, no one else will either.
Regardless of what the outcome looks like, the reality is that twisting yourself into a pretzel to meet the unhealthy, irrational needs/expectations of someone else is incredibly dysfunctional. Trying to keep your husband happy by shutting your family out leaves you alone, unhappy and isolated. Missing your daughter’s wedding to help reassure your new wife that she’s a priority costs you the relationship with your daughter.
Do not allow someone else’s dysfunction to pull you into your own dysfunction. Listen to your instincts, tune into that voice inside your head that tells you the other person is off…and you’re off for catering to him/her. Too many families, marriages and friendships have been destroyed by this crazy attempt to keep the peace. Stop it. You’re not keeping the peace by following the orders, threats, moodiness, etc., of an emotionally unhealthy person; instead, you’re creating hell for yourself and everyone around you…except the person you’re over-accommodating.
Please–step into your power and allow the healthiest part of you to take the lead. Don’t allow the most toxic person in the home to run the show. If you do, you and your family will pay for that decision for many years to come. Step up and step in with a Grounded Powerful Strength (GPS) and stop the craziness.
Challenge: If you’re walking on eggshells, acting the way another person tells you to act or catering to the unhealthy expectations of someone in your life, take a step back. Stop reacting out of fear. Stop losing yourself and losing your voice. Take an honest look at what the healthiest decision is for you and your family and have the courage to make it. Stop enabling and start calmly and confidently standing in your own power.