In any given day we have hundreds of stimuli coming at us:
• Someone gives us “critical” feedback
• A colleague gives us a dirty look
• Our boss compliments us
• Our child tells us s/he hates us
• Someone flips us the middle finger
• And on and on…
In order to keep our sanity and not be freaking out about every little thing thrown our way, we absolutely need to learn how to filter messages so that we can take in the ones that will help us grow (even if they may sting a little) and leave out the ones that have very little — if any — value to us. In other words, we have to learn how to cultivate a strong internal boundary so we can hear what people have to say without falling to pieces, blowing up, defending or totally ignoring information that would actually be helpful for us to hear. We would all benefit from learning to decipher what’s about us and rings true for us versus what’s about the other person and doesn’t ring true for us.
Here’s a quick cheat sheet to start deciphering all this information and to cultivate a better internal boundary:
1. Just because someone says it, doesn’t make it so. People say all sorts of things; your job is to figure out if what they’re saying is true for YOU or not. If it’s true, then take it in. If it’s not true, then let it go.
2. Listen to what is being said, NOT what you think the person “really” meant. (Example: If your spouse tells you s/he didn’t like how you yelled at the kids, don’t assume s/he is saying you’re a bad parent. S/he is simply saying the yelling didn’t feel okay. Period.)
3. Often how someone else reacts or what they say truly isn’t about you. (Example: If your friend says you have a drinking problem because you have a glass of wine occasionally and she feels anyone who drinks at all has a problem, then know her opinion has nothing to do with your drinking. Her opinion has to do with her values and, likely, her upbringing.) Don’t try to defend yourself about something that has no merit and isn’t about you.
4. If you find yourself getting defensive then you’re likely in boundary failure. If the statement isn’t true for you, why get defensive? It’s not true. If the statement is true, then why get defensive? It’s true.
5. Deal with the facts only and not the story you’re making up about why someone said what they said. (Example: If your friend lies to you about not being able to go out, talk about the lie. Don’t make an assumption about why she lied, such as she lied because she secretly hates you. You have no idea why someone does what s/he does, so deal with the behavior not the story you‘re making up about the behavior).
When it comes to relationships, having great internal boundaries makes them much easier. Be aware of what’s about you and what’s not about you and deal only with the facts not with what you’re making up about the facts. This one shift will make your life and your relationships a hundred times easier. Make the shift.
Challenge: When you find yourself getting defensive or reactive in response to someone’s comments or behaviors, ask yourself if what they’re doing is about you and if so, is it true for you. If the answer to either of these questions is no, then let it roll off your back. If you’re getting defensive, chances are you’re in boundary failure. Take a deep breath, regroup and ask yourself the two questions. If it’s true—let it in and be accountable. If it’s not true, let it go and don’t try to prove it’s wrong.