I’ve heard the sentiment take-me-or-leave-me thrown around a lot in relationships:
• Joe says, “I’m not a people person. She knew that when she met me. I never liked to talk.”
• Jane says, “I’m Italian and Italians are passionate. So what if I get a little intense, that’s who I am.
• Tom says, “Damn right I’m going to raise my voice when I’m mad. That’s just something she’s going to have to deal with. I’m not going to be one of those pansies who always try to talk things out. That’s just not who I am.”
It’s as though we disconnect ourselves behind a huge shield of dysfunctional armor. Where in the world did we get this notion that we can act however the heck we want to act and people just have to deal with us? That is an absolutely nutty notion. I don’t care if you’re a hot head, Italian, Mexican, Caucasian, an introvert, a snob, socially inept or (fill in the blank)…the bottom line is: If you’re going to live your life by the notion of take-me-or leave-me…you’re likely to get left. AND…rightly so.
Relationships are there to make our lives richer. They’re supposed to add to our happiness, not weigh us down like an overweight, rusty anchor. If you truly believe you have the right to act any way you want, ignore your partner’s requests and treat others any way you’d like–then go live by yourself. You can do whatever you’d like when your behaviors don’t impact others.
When people justify their behaviors by saying I am who I am, it’s a cop out. I am who I am too, and I’m continually working to try to be better. We’re all human and, as such, we will make mistakes. Making mistakes and refusing to change, however, are two very different things. If your behavior is difficult for most people to live with, then it’s time to clean it up…or get left behind.
Healthy people have an open mind about their own foibles…and they’re willing to work them. They realize they are imperfect and are open to trying to be a better human being. Deciding that you’re not going to change for anyone is going to hurt you in the long run. If this is your choice, be prepared to live with the consequences. You’re likely to be left — perhaps not today, tomorrow or next week, but almost certainly at some point in the future.
The next time you say take me or leave me, I encourage you to truly think of the possible ramifications of this mindset and be willing to handle the consequences that are likely to come your way as a result.
CHALLENGE: If your partner, child, friend or (fill in the blank) is upset about the way you are in relationship with them, stop and listen. Stop seeing it as a criticism and look at the feedback as a gift. You may be surprised at how much your life will change when you actually listen and try to work on yourself.