Regardless of whether you and your partner choose to work on your relationship via couples therapy, relationship coaching or workshops, the truth is that just showing up is not enough. Too many couples think that if they hear the information and wait for their partner to change they’re doing their part; this couldn’t be further from the truth. Working your relationship requires more than just showing up and listening to information. Change requires action not just your presence.
If you’re struggling in your relationship and seeking professional help, then put your money and time to good use by truly working your side. Here are 5 tips to incorporate into your work with the experts:
1. Work your side: pay attention to the places where you are relationally off and fix those. If you don’t speak up then start doing so. If you yell, scream or verbally attack—calm yourself down and be respectful. Stay focused on your side of the fence and let your partner do the work on theirs. Your changes will force a change in the entire system. If the change is not a positive one or good enough, as you get healthier you will not be able to stay in unhealthy.
2. Practice what the expert speaks: Insight is great but it’s certainly not enough if you don’t act on it. Too many couples get help but don’t put to practice the concepts they are taught. If you’re not going to use the skills you’re taught than stop wasting your money and everyone else’s time.
3. View mistakes as bumps in the road: Often in couple’s work both partners are asked to make significant changes regarding behaviors they have been doing for a lifetime. The road to health will therefore be riddled with bumps along the way. You both will have moments when you fall back into old behaviors or say the wrong thing or make a poor choice. These moments are life; they’re not the end of the world or the end of your relationship. Give yourself and your partner the space to be human and thus imperfect. As long as you’re both trying, making incremental changes and not having any major or abusive fallouts you’re okay.
4. Be open to and acknowledge your partner’s changes: Too often one or both partner’s is so closed off and angry that they refuse to take in their partner’s moves. If they complain one day that their partner never gives compliments and the next day s/he gives a compliment, the partner dismisses the compliment by saying “The only reason you said that is because I complained about it yesterday”. Hello?! Of course that’s why they did it. They gave the compliment because they heard you and they want to make the relationship work. Stop cutting them off at the knees every time they try to respond to your requests. If you were training your dog to sit and they finally responded to the command, “Sit”, would you not give the dog a treat because they just did it because you asked them to? Instead of critiquing your partner or complaining about them giving you what you asked for, try thanking them.
5. Be honest: If couple’s work has any chance of working, you have to be honest—to the expert as well as to your partner. If you’re thinking of leaving, that needs to be on the table. Don’t say things are okay if they’re not and don’t tell half the story because you’re afraid to tell the whole story. Say it straight in a respectful way and don’t lie.
The bottom line with couple’s work is you actually have to do the WORK. You can’t just listen, watch, hope and then go home and do things the way you’ve always done them. Work your side regardless of what your partner is doing on theirs and see what happens.
CHALLENGE: Read over the list above and see if you are off in any of the five areas. If so, clean up that part and see what happens.