The presidential election has had a huge impact on our country due to it’s historical significance, the sheer number of voters, age of voters, the overall passion so many people felt, and the risk so many took to fight for a change they hope will come.
This election has also been difficult for the couples who want change yet disagree on the best person to bring forth that change. Partners who have differing political beliefs can find themselves in very hot water if they’re not careful about how they approach their differences. Below is a list of tips to help couples who struggle with differing beliefs on major topics such as politics, religion, child rearing etc. If you’re one of these couples then read on and make sure you differ…relationally.
The Art of Differing:
- Accept the differences. Too often couples try to argue their point in an effort to get their partner to come over to their side. This does little to foster closeness between partners, and seldom, if ever, works.
- Listen to understand why your partner believes the way s/he does. Debate teams often have students argue whatever side they’re given, not necessarily the side they believe in. This is because a good debater can argue any side of an issue since both sides have viable points to them. As partners, we need to stop being so sure our beliefs are the right beliefs and instead have faith that our partners actually have fairly intelligent brains that are capable of making remarkable decisions…such as choosing us for instanceJ. Listen to why your partner thinks the way s/he does with an open mind; you may learn something.
- Respect your differences with your words, actions, energy, and heart. Be careful not to make snide comments, put your partner’s beliefs down in front of others or in the privacy of your own home, or tell, imply, or insinuate that your partner is stupid in any way for thinking the way s/he does. Healthy relationships start minimally with respect…even in times of disagreement.
- Have an agreement that if it gets too heated you both will take a moment to get centered. If necessary, take a time out until better able to discuss the issue respectfully. If unable to discuss relationally, agree to have the topic off limits if possible. If you need to talk about the issue, get help.
- Set ground rules for discussions on issues where you both disagree. Here are some to start with:
- One person speaks at a time…without interruption by the other.
- Neither partner may speak derogatory about the other’s beliefs.
- There is no yelling, swearing, name calling, or acting out in anger.
- Explain the goal of the discussion at the beginning (problem solve versus understanding each person’s view etc.).
Disagreement in relationships can be a great thing. Differences provide both partners with an opportunity to see things in a new light. They also are an opportunity for growth. Stop trying to convince your partner that your thinking is right and try being open minded. The intimacy that comes from difficult conversations done relationally is an amazingly powerful intimacy. Give it a try and see what happens.
CHALLENGE: Work your side of the line regarding differences. Refuse to put your partner’s thoughts down in any way and instead be curious. Walk a moment in your partner’s shoes and keep your self righteousness down to zero. Note what happens.