I often get asked what is “normal” in relationships; I don’t ever want to answer the “normal” question. I don’t like to answer this because I believe that the norm for couples is way below par. It is way too common for couples to be yelling, cheating, acting selfish and in general acting anything but cherishing to their partners.
I want to move away from “normal” as a goal for couples. Striving for the average relationship is truly setting the bar way too low; you deserve better than normal—trust me. How about we all strive for the abnormal when it comes to relationships. Let’s all try to do things differently from the way most people are doing it. Let’s try to truly create relationships that are loving, respectful and feel great to be in. Shall we?
Here’s to the abnormal! Below are the first five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships. I encourage you to work hard to incorporate each and every one of these into your closest relationships.
1. Cherishing. Genuinely treat your loved ones as though you cherish them—through your words and actions. Be kind, compassionate, complimentary and understanding.
2. Respectful. Refuse to call your loved one a name, swear at them in anger or treat them with disrespect in any way at any time—even in anger. If you mess up—repair it without excuses or justification. Simply own your mistake, apologize and STOP doing it. Speak to your loved ones as though they are close friends whom you greatly admire.
3. Authentic. Be honest. Tell your truth with compassion and…tell it. Without honesty there is no trust and without trust there is no healthy relationship. Refuse to lie. If there’s something you’re struggling to say, tell them you need to think about it and get back to them. Do not justify your lies because of their expected reactions—set a limit on their reactions and control your lies.
4. Affectionate. There’s nothing like a pat on the back by a friend, an understanding hug from your partner or a high five from your teenager to let you know you matter. Great relationships require some affection; they require warmth. Be warm to those you love: squeeze their hand, ruffle their hair, give them a kiss, high five them, etc. Show the love!
5. Accountable. Making mistakes is part of our humanity, however, it appears that owning these mistakes is not so much a part of humanity. Learn to apologize, accept when you are wrong and then repair it. Repair requires an apology, an action and due diligence to insure it does not keep happening. The abnormally healthy relationships are high on accountability.
Creating healthy relationships requires that we be mindful of our actions rather than reactive. Without being deliberate about how we show up in the world we are all destined to stay “normal” which is doing all of our relationships a true disservice. Dare to soar past the norm and into great.
Challenge: Scan the relationships in your life and of those around you and honestly ask yourself how all of you are doing. Look over these characteristics and pick the two that you are weakest in and focus on those. Pay attention to any shifts that occur.