As I said in my previous post, breast cancer is BIG. In so many ways breast cancer is a big event, big journey and big process in a person’s life. Below are a few more tips for helping a loved one maneuver through this experience. Remember that:
1. You don’t know best…even when you’re certain you do. Unless you are the patient with breast cancer, do not assume that you know what is best for the patient. No one knows what they would do if diagnosed with breast cancer unless they are actually diagnosed. Allow your loved one the space to try on different options. Help them process the information and run through the different scenarios and DON’T tell them what to do. You certainly could suggest, if they ask, however don’t force your views on them. You don’t have to live with the decision, they do.
2. Laughter makes things easier. Trying to ignore the seriousness of cancer isn’t helpful to anyone, however being nothing but serious all the time isn’t good either. Don’t be afraid to laugh and cry at the same time. If the patient makes jokes—go with it. Laughter offers great healing in even the most horrific of circumstances. Don’t use laughter to avoid the seriousness in front of you AND don’t avoid laughing because you think it should all be serious.
3. It’s their body and their decision. Breast cancer, more than many other types of cancers, seems to yield very strong opinions. A key aspect often debated among loved ones is whether or not to consider a mastectomy. The bottom line is that the person given the diagnosis is the one who will be living with this decision forever. Don’t get so stuck on your choice that you ignore the fears, explanations and concerns tied into their decision. This is true even if the loved one is your spouse. Your thoughts and opinions certainly matter, however ultimately your spouse has to live with the risks and end results of whatever decision is made.
4. Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away. Often people struggle with knowing what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. Many people choose to handle this anxiety by saying nothing. Do not allow cancer to become the elephant in the room that everyone knows about but no one speaks about. Check in with the person and ask how they’re doing. You can then take their lead. If they quickly steer you away from the topic, allow them their space. If they want to talk, be their sounding board. Remember that ignoring an issue does not make that issue go away.
When all is said and done, cancer is a very difficult diagnosis for anyone to take in. Be careful not to make assumptions about what’s best for someone else. The truth is that no one “knows” what s/he would do unless they are put in that position. Be compassionate, understanding and non-judgmental while you help your loved one walk through this journey.
Challenge: Practice compassion for your loved one during the most difficult of times in this process. Support them, hold them and help them think through all the countless decisions they have to make. Do your best to share your thoughts without sitting in judgment of their choices.