Have you ever had one of those days when something happened or was said that just went right through you and left you in a funk? It could be an incident with your spouse, your child, your boss or even a stranger. Regardless of whom it was with, it quite simply took the wind out of you, left you spinning, deflated or perhaps enraged and then you were left with trying to get back to center. You had to try to regroup, calm down and find solid ground again. Have you ever been in that situation? I know I have and I can assure you those moments are not fun.
Most, if not all, people have had these moments at some time or other in their lives. Because we’re all human, there’s also a pretty good chance that you will continue to have these moments. Hopefully, though, with some hindsight, a little foresight and some easy-to-implement tools, these moments can happen less often, be less intense and be much shorter in duration. Below are several tips to help all of us get back to center when we falter and learn to get off center a little less often:
1. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I can’t say it enough—we all need to use our boundaries if we have any hope of being even-headed. If you find yourself spinning out because of an incident or because of something someone said, SLOW DOWN and calmly think through the FACTS of what happened (NOT your interpretation of the facts!). If some of what happened was because of what you did or said, then take ownership and be accountable for your part. The part that was the other person’s to own—don’t take it on. Know what’s about you and what’s not about you and only work your side of the equation.
2. Breathe. BREATHE. When we’re in a spin, we have to remember to slow our heart rates down and simply BREATHE. Remember 4x4x4: Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold it for the count of four and release it for the count of four. Repeat this activity four times. While you’re taking your breaths, focus on slowing your heart rate down. Another way to think of this exercise is to breath into your heart with all four breaths.
3. Don’t “make things up.” When we get into an argument or get reactive about something, we often end up making up all sorts of things in our heads. I know for me, if my kids get angry and say something mean, I can start making up that they don’t love me, I’m a terrible mom, etc. These thoughts do not help me and aren’t true—no matter how true they may feel in the moment. Pay attention to your thinking and do not go to a big place that is going to spin you out. Keep your thoughts on the facts only—not the speculations.
4. Stay in the present. When you’re in a funk or a spin it can be very easy to start forecasting a horrible future (i.e., “Oh my gosh we’re going to end up divorced—s/he’s going to leave me!)—don’t do it. Stay in the present and every time you catch yourself freaking out about what might happen down the road, bring yourself to the here and now. Freaking out about something that may never happen is a waste of energy. Unless you can do something about it now, let go of it and stay in the present.
5. Find your calm. Take some time to yourself to decompress and simply get quiet. When I spin the best thing I’ve found is a short meditation. I close my eyes, get quiet and listen to a 10 or 20-minute meditation spoken by a man with a great English accent on an awesome app called Headspace. I’m amazed how one 20-minute meditation can put me in an entirely different space—try it! If meditation isn’t your thing, then find your thing. It could be a walk, journaling, tuning in, etc. Whatever it is—find your calm .
There will be times in your life when you will spin out in some way—either in your thinking, your actions or your mindset. In those times, take a moment to regroup. Catch yourself obsessing, notice yourself ranting, pay attention to your reactivity—AND—find your calm. Breathe, check your boundaries, watch your thinking, stay in the present and get centered. It will take practice at first; trust that it will work, it will get easier and you will get more grounded.
Challenge: Manage your spins and don’t allow them to manage you. Take some time to slow down, tune in and find your calm.