FIVE WARNING FLAGS FOLLOWING AN AFFAIR

It’s no secret that affairs rock relationships; they break the trust and shake the foundation to its core.  Most people don’t realize that even in the best of circumstances, healing from an affair often takes between three to five years.  For those couples who don’t have the best of circumstances in place, it can take forever, if it heals at all.

 

If your relationship has been impacted by an affair, here are some red flags to watch out for.   If, within the first six months to a year following the discovery of the affair, any of these are present in your relationship, I suggest you and your partner seek professional help to aid with the healing.

 

1. Your partner does not want to talk about it and keeps asking if you’re ever going to let him/her hear the end of it.  If your partner is not willing to discuss the affair with you, it’s unlikely you both will be able to heal from it.  If your partner gets angry whenever you get triggered rather than turning to comfort you, then know you’re on shaky ground. 
   

Your partner continues to lie about little things.  If your partner is: continuing to not be home when expected, hiding cell phone calls or e-mail messages, giving questionable explanations for odd behaviors, or telling you half truths–be concerned.  Following the discovery of an affair, the cheating partner should be going out of her/his way to show you how trustworthy s/he is.  There should be nothing hidden, no mixed messages, and no lapses in memory etc. 

Your partner says s/he’s confused and isn’t sure what to do.  This typically means s/he still has feelings for the affair partner and isn’t sure who to choose.  If your partner cheated on you and isn’t pleading forgiveness and clear that s/he wants YOU, then get stronger and realize you deserve to be with someone who loves you and ONLY you.  I’ve seen too many couples in this scenario get stuck two years down the road in another affair–or worse yet, the same affair that just never ended.

Your partner minimizes the affair and/or blames the affair on you or your relationship.  If your partner is trying to say it meant nothing or it was no big deal, you’re in trouble.  Affairs are huge big deals and until your partner owns that and treats it as though it’s the big deal it is your relationship will struggle.  Similarly, if your partner attempts to blame the affair on your lack of attention, poor treatment, indifference or (Fill in the blank), then your relationship is likely in trouble.  As long as you’re to blame, your partner does not have to look at her/his behaviors that resulted in the affair; this increases the likelihood of another affair in the future.

Your partner continues to interact with her/his affair partner via work, phone, e-mail, or in person (regardless of whether or not there is continued sexual contact).  If your partner is adamant that s/he is going to continue to have contact with the other person, this is a red flag that your partner’s not truly willing to do anything to repair the damage done.   This is a no-brainer if the affair was not in the work setting in which case there is no reason for your partner to have continued contact (if s/he is, it’s a red flag the affair is still going on).  If the affair partner is also a co-worker, continuing to work together often slows the healing process and in some cases grinds it to a stop.

 

Affairs rock relationships to the core and require a great deal of effort to heal from.  Know the warning signs that tell you your partner may not be as sincere and remorseful as s/he says.  Make sure you are clear that it is a privilege to be in your inner circle and those closest to you need to treat you best in order to remain in that circle. 

 

You can heal from an affair when both parties are doing their best to work their side.  If any of the red flags are present, the betraying partner is not doing that.

 

CHALLENGE:  If your partner had an affair and any of the red flags are present, know you are on shaky ground.   Get stronger, seek help, and don’t allow fear to keep you in an unhealthy relationship (fear of angering your partner, being alone, financial concerns etc.).  If there was no fear involved how would your actions be different?  Start addressing your fears by taking steps to reduce it rather than being paralyzed by it.