After working with thousands of men, women and couples over the years, it’s evident that few things make a greater imprint on a person’s soul than having integrity or not having it.. I’ve watched people lie, cheat, deceive, abuse, hide, rationalize, justify, defend and on and on in response to hurtful choices they made. I’ve watched some people be utterly disappointed in themselves and do everything they could to repair the damage caused by their actions, while others had little remorse and justified their actions. In the end, those with humility and remorse made out much better in the long run. In their remorse, they got in touch with their humanity and, as a result, were able to experience true connection.
Don’t be fooled by society’s messages—they only reveal part of the story. Messages like: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” “Everyone’s doing it,” “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” “This is just what guys do,” etc., are sucking the humanity and kindness out of our world. For every hurtful decision one person makes, there’s another person telling them that what they did was okay. But hurting others is NOT okay. For every single message out there encouraging kindness and integrity, there are ten more messages out there counteracting them.
But here’s the thing: Deep down inside—you know.
You see, the one person you can’t lie to, pretend to or deceive is yourself. Unless you are a sociopath or have serious psychological issues, YOU…KNOW. You know when your choices are hurtful, out of integrity or even toxic. You know this no matter how much you explain them away, rationalize, justify or defend them. The truth is—deep down—you just KNOW. Why would you have to hide what you’re doing in Vegas if it was okay? Why hide an affair if “everyone’s doing it” and it’s no big deal? Why not tell your children how awesome the swinging life style is and how amazing their best friend’s mother or father is in bed? And why don’t men tell their wives, mothers or daughters how they go to strip clubs with the guys or hook up with women when on business trips—especially if “all the business men are doing it”? If the behavior is okay and everyone is “doing it,” then why are so many people hiding it or lying about it?
People don’t tell the world what they’re doing because they know in their soul it’s hurtful, off or out of integrity. Deep down most people want to think of themselves as being a “good” person—someone of character. People typically don’t want to be seen as jerks, selfish or insensitive. So…people lie. They pretend. They train themselves to focus on the gratification, put on a good front and block out the seedy side that often accompanies those lack-of-integrity moves. They share their truths only with those who are partaking in the same choices so they can fool themselves into thinking “everyone’s doing it.”
The bottom line is your actions have impact—to you, within you and to those around you. Using the behaviors of others as a barometer for your own, is a crazy slope to go down. Even serial murderers and rapists can find others who are doing it. Stop asking if everyone’s doing it and start doing a little soul searching.
Challenge: Before you choose to do something that you will feel compelled to hide and lie about, ask yourself if others would be hurt by your choices. Ask yourself if it would be okay if someone you cared about did the same behavior to you. And finally, ask yourself if your mother, wife/husband or child discovered that you did this—would you be proud or ashamed? Refuse to use the behavior of others as a standard for your own. Take the high road and act with integrity–even if you think you would never get caught.