The concept of the emotional affair seems to be getting more and more attention of late. I was just reading an article at USAToday.com by Karen S. Peterson (You may be interested reading it yourself at: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2003-01-08-workplace-usat_x.htm) about this very phenomenon.
Emotional affairs have been prevalent in several of the couples I’ve worked with over the years. More often than not, one partner begins to question a particular relationship the other partner is having with someone else and inevitably I will hear some variation of the response, “We’re just friends.” I still find myself surprised by how often I hear this line.
It’s not at all uncommon for this line to be followed up with some type of attempt to reassure the partner that s/he has nothing to worry about either because they don’t find that person “remotely attractive”, the other person’s married, or they will swear they would never do anything to harm this relationship. (Does this sound at all familiar to those of you who have been cheated on already?)
Just like sexual affairs, emotional affairs start with two people connecting more frequently with one another through jokes, e-mails, and conversations. As they begin to feel more comfortable with one another, they increase their level of conversations. Gradually they begin to have deeper conversations–co-commiserating about bad days/marriages/events etc.
Before long a friendship is formed and both people are turning to each other for support rather than turning to their significant other. This person doesn’t “nag”, wall-off or dismiss what the person says so it’s a much easier conversation to have. If they work together–even better, now they both can commiserate about their job.
Emotional affairs are very tempting because they feel “safe” at first. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about your problems who won’t hold you accountable for your behavior at home. Who wouldn’t like that? I believe it’s pretty safe to say there are times when your partner would like that also.
What we all need to remember however, is if this person were our romantic partner, chances are s/he would respond the exact same way our partner does when we’re not being very relational or working all hours of the day and night. The only difference is the person you’re commiserating with hasn’t had to live with you for years and is enthralled with your attention. Trust me, that will wear off–it always does.
So, if you find yourself talking more and more to a colleague at work or a “friend” of the opposite sex, don’t kid yourself, you are putting your relationship in jeopardy no matter how you justify it. Emotional affairs are similar to sexual affairs in many ways, and often they turn into sexual affairs. As I’ve said before, few people go into affairs with the intention of having one…emotional affairs are no different.
The only way to safe guard your relationship from affairs is to stay away from them at all costs—emotional and sexual.
If you are talking to someone, other than your partner or a same-sex friend (if you’re heterosexual and opposite if your homosexual) about difficulties in your relationship, struggles in your life, or stressors in general, then you are either in an emotional affair or walking into one. Stop, turn the other way, and face your partner. Find a way to talk to your partner about what you keep going to this other person about. In the end, it feels better walking in integrity than not–no matter what the circumstances.
Challenge: If there’s someone you’ve been confiding in about your relationship or life in general, stop and take a moment to figure out what’s going on. How are you justifying this relationship to yourself? If your partner were doing the same thing would that be okay with you? Find a way to get support from your partner. If it’s the relationship you need support about, go to the source and talk about what changes you need.