In my work with couples, I’m often struck by the discrepancy between people’s behaviors out in the world versus how they behave at home. It’s not at all uncommon for someone to be seen as a great person by their neighbors, acquaintances and colleagues and entirely differently by their family. Are we purposefully being fake out in the world?
Although it’s human nature to want to put your best foot forward in front of others, seldom are we inclined to be totally fake in our public lives. The truth is, it’s easier to be friendly, jovial, kind and untriggered out in the world than it is at home. There’s more at stake at home. There’s also a level of familiarity at home that we don’t have anywhere else in our lives. The more familiar we are with one another, the more at ease we are with letting our hair down, so to speak. As time goes on, it becomes easier and easier to take our loved ones for granted. It becomes easier to be unconscious.
In addition to the level of familiarity, we may bring our best selves to the world rather than home because:
• We’re angry with our loved ones, so we treat them as though we’re angry.
• We feel we have the right to treat our loved ones poorly if we think they’re not treating us well.
• We’re unconscious and choose to be reactive rather than thoughtful in our actions and responses.
• Some of us struggle at home as well as in the world because we haven’t chosen to do our much-needed, personal work.
The reasons can be countless and often vary from person to person. The bottom-line, however, is that all these “reasons” are simply excuses for hurtful and often toxic behaviors.
As many of you may have seen, I believe that it’s a privilege for a person to be in our inner circle http://tinyurl.com/42pxkjc. I also believe it’s a privilege for us to be in someone else’s inner circle. It’s our job to make sure that those people whom we have allowed into our inner circle be treated better than anyone else in our lives. Those closest to us get VIP treatment and deserve to get the best of us. When they end up getting the worst of us—we’re off.
If you struggle with your current loved ones, chances are you will struggle with your next “loved ones.” The problem isn’t about them—the problem is how you react, respond and treat them. If your family is getting the worst of you, stop justifying your behavior and start bringing the best of you home. If you’re stressed and overworked, look for ways to handle your stress rather than taking it out on your family. If you don’t like the way your partner is treating you, calmly speak with your partner about it rather than silently stewing or angrily exploding. If you don’t want to think about your actions when you get home—live alone.
Our home life should be our light in the storm…it should never be the storm. Stop justifying, ignoring or defending your poor behavior at home and instead, start to change it. Your family deserves the best of you. Be deliberate in your actions. Replace anger with compassion, coldness with kindness and silence with conversation. Stop taking your family for granted and treat them as though they were the most important part of your life. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you get back.
Challenge: Pay attention to where you bring your best self. Consciously decide to bring your best self home. Be loving, cherishing and warm to those who love you the most and see what happens within you and in response from them.