Recently I’ve been working on the first five of ten questions from the TED MED Greatest Challenges project. My questions happen to be on Coping with the Impact of Stress. Because so many of us grapple with stress, I thought it would be a valuable topic for a post. Be sure to check out the TED MED site for more information from experts on a wide variety of interesting topics. My topic will be up sometime next week (http://www.tedmed.com/greatchallenges/challenge/302?ref=the-team).
Most of us feel stress from time to time and many people feel chronic stress much of the time. As many of us are well aware, stress can greatly impact your body, mind and overall life. And stress from a relationship, can really throw your life into a tailspin. Relationship stress can be long-term and chronic or can be a sudden jolt that rocks your world. The chronic form often is the result of long-term poor treatment, high conflict, addiction or distancing and lack of warmth or affection. Sudden jolt stress often is the result of an affair, a sudden change such as loss of a job, a health crisis, etc. Regardless of what the source of your relationship stress is, the strategies for managing it are the same.
Below are several tips on how to handle high levels of stress resulting from your relationship:
1. Pause and take a step back. The first thing you want to do is to simply pause and don’t do anything. Put some space between you and the problem, your feelings and your reactions to the problem. Slow yourself down and breathe. Take a few slow, deep breaths and calm your heart rate down before making any decisions or reacting in any way.
2. Don’t go into all-or-nothing/black-or-white thinking. Keep your thoughts on the present and avoid thinking about how this incident or this relationship is going to play out or impact you in the future. The truth is you don’t know. Simply stay focused on today, this issue and this moment in time. If it is a chronic issue, stay focused on the issue that is creating the stress/problem and don’t expand it beyond the relationship or issue.
3. Break the issues down. Get clarity on what exactly the issue is. Is it your partner’s drinking, communication, work, affair, or is it something about you? Once you know what the issue is, you can begin to look for ways to problem solve.
4. Get clarity about what YOU can control. Remember that you cannot change your partner (or boss, friend, parent, etc., for that matter). The only thing you have the power to change is you. Focus on your part of this issue and figure out what you have control of…then change that. You can act differently, speak differently, set limits, get help, end the relationship, be different in the relationship and on and on. What is it that you need to do?
5. Take baby steps. Once you’re clear on the problem and what aspects of the problem you actually can control, you can begin to take steps toward doing things differently. The steps you take do not need to be big steps, they simply need to be steps that move you forward—even if only inch by inch. For example, if the problem is that the other person has an addiction, a baby step might be reading up on addiction. The next step might be attending an Alanon meeting or seeing a therapist yourself. Keep it small and keep it going.
Your stress will dissipate as you start taking action and incorporating the steps above. Slow down, breathe, think and take baby steps forward. Don’t allow a stressful relationship to wreak havoc on your body and mind—it’s not worth it. Trust yourself and have your back by taking care of yourself.
Challenge: When stress hits, remember to breathe, stay in the present, break it down and take steps to change the things over which you have control and let go of the things you don’t.