The things people say to one another—especially loved ones—can make or break connection in an instant. When these comments are thought out and kind, they can lead to great moments. When comments are, instead, a hurtful knee-jerk reaction, they can leave a child, partner or friend deflated, wounded or withdrawn. Often this non-empathic knee-jerk response is more about fear, insecurity and defensiveness than it is about straightforward meanness. And in other times, people can be downright mean. No reason for it—just an unconscious mean response because the person doesn’t care, is too tired or too annoyed to be thoughtful.
Below are several examples of mean or thoughtless responses:
Statement: “That really hurt my feelings.”
Response: “Oh my gosh, you are soooo sensitive. Get over it.”
Statement: “Ugh, I just can’t seem to remember things.”
Response: “Yeah I know—it’s really annoying me!”
Statement: “I can’t believe you cheated on me. You broke my heart.”
Response: “Jeesus, are you ever going to get over this? Let it go already.” (Three weeks after the affair is discovered.)
Statement: “I feel distant and disconnected from you. We hardly talk.”
Response: “Great, another person trying to suck the life out of me.”
Mean comments, little empathy or a selfish preoccupation with the way things impact you, rather than others, wear down relationships. It’s hard to feel close to someone who feels fine about snapping at you, shutting you down or treating you poorly. Without kindness and compassion, relationships—any relationship—get old and start to wear out their welcome.
Far too many people forget compassion and lead with irritability and defensiveness. If you hurt someone’s feelings—apologize; don’t blame that person for their hurt. If someone is struggling to remember things—have compassion for their struggle; don’t point out how annoying it is. If you cheated on your partner—have compassion for breaking their heart and don’t be a jerk about what YOU caused. Stop reacting to being asked to be accountable and, instead, step up and be accountable. Have compassion for the other person’s experience and stop worrying about how inconvenient their experience is for you.
One day you will be the one struggling to find the words or searching for the memory. You may be the one cheated on or shut down or treated poorly. And tomorrow may be your bad day. Get out of your own selfish story and compassionately join others in theirs.
Become the person you wish you were with, not the jerk you should’ve left.
Leave the entitlement to treat others any way you want at the door and, instead, bring your humanity and compassion inside. Support people in their struggles; don’t judge or shame them for those trials. Have empathy for their pain. Be accountable for your meanness. And…remember compassion.
Challenge: As you show greater compassion for others, you will experience greater compassion for yourself. Find the compassion, lead with compassion and give compassion.