It seems that as we get older, we get more and more stuck in our ways. For example, if I get really upset at my husband I tend to get quiet and stew. I do this every time I’m really triggered and acting unhealthy (which is not that often of courseJ). The point is I keep trying the same move no matter how many times it hasn’t worked.
It’s like I become the crazy foreigner who asks for directions and every time the person says s/he doesn’t speak English I repeat the same exact question only louder and more slowly; like all of a sudden the person is going to magically understand English. My brain is stuck on one path in that moment and I think that perhaps if I keep doing the exact same thing, only with more gusto, it will help.
Unfortunately, doing the same thing repeatedly seldom helps. In fact, it often leads to more frustration. So, many years ago I figured out that if I wanted something to be different, I had to act differently. I actually had to stop shutting down and stewing and instead try a new approach. My new move inevitably forced a new move from my husband which was awesome and actually fun to experiment with. When my new move resulted in a negative move on his part, I changed the move until I got a result I was happy with.
This same approach can work with you–if you’re open to experimenting and thinking outside the box. It’s about becoming skilled at changing your move.
For example:
- If you want your husband to be more affectionate, and every time you think about this, you complain that he’s not affectionate…change your move. Try for two weeks to do the opposite and actually go out of your way to be more affectionate with him. Any time he is affectionate, tell him how much you like that instead of saying you wish he would do that more often.
- If you shut down every time your wife complains…change your move. The next time she complains about something, tell her she’s right and you’re so sorry. If that doesn’t work…try a different move. When she complains, tell her you’re really glad she shared that with you because you don’t want her to be upset and it’s helpful for you to know how to help her. Try each approach for one to two weeks before you shift tactics, and see what happens.
- If you want your wife to be warmer and more loving yet being overly affectionate isn’t working…change your move. Sit back a little and give her space. Hold her hand rather than putting your hands all over her. Snuggle without being sexual in any way, and tell her you enjoy just snuggling. Change your move.
Whenever there is more than one person involved, the interactions become intertwined. What I do, will impact what you do, and vice versa. The important thing is that you’re not tied to one move. You need to be willing to try several different approaches and then take in the data. Your change in step forces a change in step from your partner which creates a new dance. Continue to tweak your steps until you begin to get a dance you both like.
CHALLENGE: Choose a problem/issue you want to change in your relationship. and write down what the typical scenario is: what is your move and your partner’s subsequent move? Next make a list of three possible different moves you can make to change this dynamic. Choose one change from the list and implement it for one to two weeks. If it doesn’t shift the dance to your liking, try a new move.