Many women complain about irresponsible, selfish husbands. They even joke about their husband being another child they have to take care of. Some husbands sheepishly grin when they hear their wives say this, while others are offended.
I’m… often curious.
When I hear a woman (note: men also can be in this role) talk about how she’s responsible for: insuring the house is clean; dinner is on the table; all appointments are made and kept; the children are fed, bathed, and finished with their homework; her husband is sexually happy and emotionally taken care of; and on and on…I can’t help but wonder why she is married.
I view marriage as an equal partnership, a place for two loving individuals to come together to co-create a life together. Both partners are equally responsible for being a team player and doing his/her part. Each partner is responsible for getting their needs met within the relationship while also honoring their partner’s needs.
Some people are natural caretakers and enjoy doing a lot for other people. When this is returned, there’s nothing wrong with it. When one person continually does almost everything while their partner does little, however, this is a breeding ground for resentment.
When it doesn’t lead to resentment, there’s often a veil of co-dependence that is clouding the person’s ability to be an equal partner. This is no better than resentment.
Caretakers often make things easy for others and in many ways for themselves. They may just clean the house because it’s easier than having to nag their partner a thousand times. They make sure the diaper bag is packed for their partner when he or she goes somewhere with the baby because they know their partner won’t pack it right. Perhaps they make all the travel arrangements and pack the suitcases because they know their partner hates doing that “stuff”…and after all, they say to themselves, “It’s no big deal. I don’t mind.”
What caretakers and their partners don’t realize is–it is a big deal. When you continually do everything in your relationship, you are settling for nothing. When you do everything to take care of your partner and s/he does nothing to take care of you—then no one is taking care of you. Not even you.
You cannot be an equal partner if you don’t know how to take care of your own needs. You’re not taking care of your needs if you’re in a relationship that is one-sided—I don’t care what your parents taught you. Kindness and partnering is one thing, sacrificing yourself and getting little in return is something entirely different. If you don’t like that your partner does very little for you and this relationship, look at how you’re enabling that to continue.
Your caretaking is not helping you or your relationship. Often it’s only fueling toxic roots of resentment that will likely rot away your relationship. If you continue to do everything, there’s no reason or room for your partner to do much of anything. Is that what you want and is that what you want to model for your children, if you have them?
Challenge: If your relationship feels lopsided, take a look at what you’re doing that plays into this. Choose one behavior to start with and begin to stop enabling your partner to do little or nothing around that behavior. Let go of how your partner does it (i.e., packs, cleans, etc.) and allow him/her to do it his/her way.
If you are enabling drinking, raging, or mean-spirited behavior, then choose one move you can make in this area to stop sending the message that it’s okay.