Many couples today are stressed. Between their careers, children and errands, there’s hardly any time left for connecting. Often couples are so busy, that they’re like two ships passing in the night. Not only are they not taking the time to connect, but just the thought of taking time feels like too much. They’re constantly on the go and as a result many of their interactions are curt, matter-of-fact or business-like interactions. Although some matter-of-fact interactions are fine (and unavoidable), they are not enough to sustain a relationship.
Romantic relationships need to be softer than business relationships. They need to have more filler. Where many of us get caught up, however, is in thinking the “filler” takes time. This is not the case. The “filler” is all the extra touches that tell our partners that they are different than anyone else in our lives. It’s the stuff that tells them we like spending our lives with them. I call these extra touches “tender sprinkles”. It does not take endless amounts of time to add these touches; it does take consciousness. Below are five quick ways to add tender touches to your relationship.
1. Write your partner a note. Men and women alike need to realize the power of words. Tell your partner you were thinking about him/her and wish them a nice day. This takes about 30 seconds to do but lasts for days in your partner’s mind. If your partner isn’t home when you go to bed—leave a note. If s/he has a tough meeting that day—leave a note. If you’re sorry about something—leave a note. If you have the technology—text your partner. Kind notes are an easy way to connect when you’re feeling disconnected.
2. Greet your partner daily with a kiss. Then ask how their day was…and listen to their answer. A kiss takes less than a second. If you can spare 10 seconds, even better. Greet one another with a 10 second kiss and a hug. This is great for the kids to see and it’s an easy connector for you and your partner.
3. Give a compliment. Look at your partner and tell them what you like. “Honey, you look great in that sports jacket.” “I just wanted you to know that I love your laugh.” “I was thinking about you today and remembered why it was I fell in love with you so many years ago.” Be creative…and be complimentary. It feels good to have our loved ones compliment us so do it more often.
4. Be affectionate. When you walk past your partner run your hand across their back. Hold hands on the couch. Give them a two minute back rub. Rub their feet. And please do not do this in an effort to get your partner to be sexual with you. Do it because you want to connect—with no agenda. Also don’t avoid doing this because you worry your partner will read into it and want to have sex. Be affectionate because you want to connect. Stop worrying about the past or the possible future and just stay in the present and connect.
5. Soften. If you have a harsh tone—soften. If you’re critical—be accepting. If you’re controlling—let go. If you don’t think you’re controlling but your partner frequently complains that you are—let go. Lower your tone, soften your voice and be cherishing.
There are 1000 things we can do to increase our connection with our partner. Any one of them can take less than a minute. Stop using lack of time as an excuse and start being more deliberate about adding the filler to your romantic relationships. All these moves are like making a deposit into your relationship savings account. The more deposits you make, the stronger the foundation and the more reserves you have to draw from in difficult times. Good luck—and have a great connected weekend.
CHALLENGE: Commit to incorporating two out of the five suggestions above into your DAILY interactions with your partner. Pay close attention to any shifts that occur. Come up with your own ideas and share them with this blog!