The last post I wrote about excusing behaviors due to good intentions. In general this is just another way that many of us deflect responsibility. For whatever reason, I have been running into this behavior left and right of late…so here’s a post on the larger issue of deflecting responsibility.
Deflecting responsibility may sound something like:
• “I didn’t mean to go behind your back I thought we talked about it.”
• “Look, I was drunk, I couldn’t help it!”
A more extreme form of deflecting responsibility is actually blaming our behavior on our partner’s behavior. This may sound like any of the following:
• “I was late because you gave me an impossible list of things to do and I couldn’t get them done in time.”
• “I was distant because you were relentless and wouldn’t let it go.”
• “I wouldn’t let it go, because you refused to hear me and talk about it.”
A major aspect of healthy relationships is taking responsibility for our own actions. We are human beings and will therefore make plenty of mistakes in our lifetime. The problem isn’t making mistakes. The problem is not owning them, or repairing. It’s also a problem if we keep repeating the same mistakes we just apologized for yesterday, last week, and last month.
If you raged at your wife “because you were drunk” (which is never an excuse by the way), then don’t place responsibility on the alcohol. Place it on you–and next time monitor how much you drink. If you yelled at your spouse “because” he didn’t clean the kitchen well enough, then apologize for yelling and make a direct request. His kitchen cleaning did not “cause” you, in any way, to yell. Be clear that you made the choice to yell, apologize for it, and–stop yelling.
Mature, healthy relationships require mature, healthy adults to be in them. Part of being healthy is taking responsibility for our own actions and not passing that responsibility onto others. Learn to be accountable for your actions, repair them, and stop repeating them.
Challenge: Think about the last three behaviors your partner called you on and ask yourself if you fully took responsibility or deflected it instead. Pay attention to how you respond when someone tries to hold you accountable for your actions. Take responsibility, apologize and commit to not repeat them.