infidelity concept – male hand holding smart phone with incoming call from his mistress
Noel Biderman is the creator of Ashley Madison, the largest on-line cheating site for married men and women. He makes millions out of providing a one-stop affair site and rationalizes his business by saying, “If you eradicate Ashley Madison, you’re not going to eradicate infidelity. That allows me to sleep at night.” His wife also comes to the site’s rescue and states, “Really, the business itself doesn’t match who he is as a person—it’s not our lifestyle or value system or any of that. I mean, yeah, I’d love it if he were working on a cure for cancer. But it’s a business, and that’s how we look at it.” http://www.nbcnews.com/id/41583762/ns/business-bloomberg_businessweek/#.VQgrO8bsfZQ
Sex trafficking is a business as is pimping, dealing drugs and being a hit man. The lives that are ruined because of these “businesses” aren’t any less ruined because they generate money. I wonder how the Bidermans would console their children if they were to grow up, get married and discover their spouses were having affairs with people they found on their father’s affair site? Would the explanation “It’s just business” make it all okay? I must say I doubt that excuse would go over well with a broken hearted daughter who’s father set her husband’s affairs up for him.
Recently the Ashley Madison site was supposedly hacked and all of the names released on the “dark web.” I can’t even begin to imagine what all is on the “dark web,” nor do I even know what the hell the “dark web” is. However, my curiosity is peaked as to how those spouses who get caught will try to explain themselves. If they’re anything like the Bidermans, perhaps they’ll say it was supposed to be discrete and confidential—as if that justifies cheating. Who knows–perhaps that will get them out of the doghouse if their spouse is super insecure and desperate to stay married. After all, if the site is supposed to be confidential then no-one should ever find out—no harm, no foul– right? It kind of reminds me of my favorite pet peeve statement: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Ugh, I can’t even begin to tell you how utterly toxic that saying is—(you can read about that one here: https://radicallynewculture.com/relationship_in/).
Look, I’m no saint, nor are most human beings, however being callously toxic in one’s actions and behaviors is really messed up. If you don’t believe in monogamy, then don’t get into a monogamous relationship. If you want to have sex with countless people, then stay single. Once you bring other human beings into the equation—you don’t have the right to jerk them around, hurt them or treat them however the hell you want to treat them. Signing up for an affair site or match.com or any other dating site WHILE YOU”RE MARRIED is mean, hurtful and, frankly, really unhealthy. Figure out what is wrong with your issues around intimacy, commitment, integrity, honesty and/or humanity and fix the issue.
Your behaviors have impact far beyond just yourself. Although our world sends out messages that promiscuity is just sexual freedom and as long as you don’t get caught it’s okay to do anything and other relationally harmful messages, the reality is IT’S NOT OKAY. It’s not okay to lie to your spouse. It’s not healthy to sleep with everyone who will sleep with you. It’s not harmless to lie and cheat on those you say you love. It’s just simply not okay.
Don’t leave your humanity out of your interactions, choices and relationships. Just because it feels good to do something doesn’t mean you should do it. Stop checking your integrity at the door and start bringing it with you everywhere you go.
Challenge: If you have to hide it—chances are you shouldn’t be doing it. Make your choices out of integrity, not id-driven desires. If you wouldn’t like someone doing the same thing to you, then don’t do it to others.