ARE YOU IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP? FIVE REASONS PEOPLE SETTLE FOR DUMB RELATIONSHIPS

 

In my work over the years I hear several reasons over and over again, regarding why people don’t truly step in and fight for change in their relationships.  When I say people settle I want to be clear that I truly mean settle NOT stay.  I don’t believe leaving relationships is the answer to a miserable relationship.  I believe fighting for a better one is…and then if your partner refuses to change or get help, I believe that leaving is an option. 

 

The most common reasons I’ve found for people settling for dumb relationships include:

 

1. Fear:  Most people who settle have some type of fear attached to their decision: fear of failure, their partner’s rage, their partner leaving, living on their own, and on and on.  Fear often paralyzes people and keeps them stuck.  It’s important to bravely face our fears if we ever hope to move forward in our relationships and in life.  Fear is just a warning sign that you need to proceed with caution.  Too many people think the caution means stop and they forget to proceed.   Allow the fear to be a warning sign that there is an issue that needs to be addressed and then address it don’t run from it.  
2. Children:  Many people worry that if they begin to ask for what they want in their relationship this will lead to disaster.  They worry about the impact of this on their children or worse yet, the impact of divorce should their partner leave or not decide to change.  What they don’t realize is the extent that their settling is impacting the children already.  Children raised by parents who have miserable relationships, often grow up to have similarly miserable relationships.  Children live what they know.  Teach children how to relationally fight for the healthy relationships they deserve by modeling for them how to do that.
   

Depression:  Sometimes, living in a chronically unhappy relationship can leave someone drained and depressed.  It’s also true that some people who are depressed can create a chronically unhappy relationship.  Either way, if there’s depression, stop complaining about not having energy, or support, or whatever else you use as an excuse, and start doing something about it.  If you’re depressed, talk to your doctor about possible medication.  If you’re against meds, start exercising, see a therapist, try holistic measures…do anything, as long as it’s something.

This is what they learned:  Many of us come from families who were clueless about being relational.  Many of our parents’ marriages were nothing we’d ever want to emulate…yet many of us do emulate them.  When someone continues to stay in an unhealthy relationship, chances are their past is at work and a huge contributing factor keeping him/her stuck.  Just like our children live what they know. We also live what we know.  We know what we were taught for arguably, the eighteen most formidable years of our life.  We need to look at that history to not have it also become our future.  The more aware we are of what weighs us down, the better able we are to unhook it. 

Money:  Many people don’t want to rock the boat because they are too shaky financially.  They feel trapped in the relationship because they do not have the financial resources to be able to sustain a separation should that happen.  If this is the case, it’s important that you take whatever step possible to increase your financial stability.  If you don’t have a job, find one. There are many jobs that can be done at home for extra money, so kids are not an excuse for you not making extra money.  It’s vital for everyone in a relationship to feel as though they could make it on their own if something unfortunate happened such as divorce, or a medical condition, or even the loss of a spouse.  Lack of finances is a problem to be solved not a straight jacket. 

 

If you’re in a miserable relationship perhaps it’s time to start taking steps to change it.  If you feel as though you have taken steps and they have not worked, then take different steps.  Remember:  it’s a privilege to be in your inner circle so make sure those in it are treating you best.

 

CHALLENGE:  Look over the list above and see if any of these are keeping you stuck in any of your relationships.  If so, look at the issue from all sides and come up with three different ways to address it and move forward.  Commit to not allowing this issue to stop you from doing what’s best for you and your family.