Are you in a relationship that is adding very little to your life? If so, you’re not alone. There are many people who stay in unhealthy relationships for various reasons: fear, money, depression, poor self-care, children, religion etc. In some relationships, staying for any reason–is a wrong reason.
Here are some stories of relationships that go on all the time:
• Susie decides to stay with Tom who’s an active alcoholic. He rages twice a week at her and her children, falls off his chair at dinner because he’s so high, and is emotionally abusive to her daily.
• Dianne has been married to Rick for fifteen years and has decided to stay with him after his third affair. He has little remorse and flirts with other women constantly in her presence.
• Dan’s wife Carol is currently having an affair with someone she works with and although she wants to stay married, she refuses to give up her affair. She also refuses to go to counseling. Dan decides to stay anyway.
• Jennifer has been married to Jim who has barely given her the time of day for the past five years. He’s cold, does his own thing whenever he wants, and rarely has a kind word to say about her.
This list could go on and on. There are marriages and relationships all around us that are not only unfulfilling, but toxic as well. We need to learn when trying to save a relationship is a healthy decision versus a destructive decision—regardless of religious, financial, or offspring reasons.
Here are some red flags that serve as warnings to us that it may be best to walk away–guilt-free.
• Your partner is either emotionally or physically abusive and refuses to seek help either with you or alone. (Note: All name calling and rage is emotionally abusive)
• Your partner is an active alcoholic or drug addict and refuses treatment or repeatedly does not follow his/her treatment plan thoroughly.
• Your partner is controlling, defensive, and refuses to listen to your concerns. When you ask him/her to change something or not treat you a certain way he/she mocks you, minimizes your concerns, or simply refuses to change. When you ask for both of you to seek outside help s/he refuses.
• Your partner is having an affair and refuses to give it up or s/he has had several affairs and has not sought any treatment for this propensity. When you don’t trust your partner, s/he blames your lack of trust on you.
• You’ve repeatedly informed your partner that you’re unhappy in this relationship and want to get help to try to fix it and s/he is adamant that s/he will not go see anyone!
Ending a relationship can be one of the most difficult decisions a person can make…it can also be one of the most rewarding.
Whenever possible, try your best to make it work. This is especially important when you have a willing partner who’s open to seeking help and changing. For those of you who do not have a willing partner however–know when to trust your gut and WALK.
Challenge: If you’re struggling to stay or end a relationship, sit down, take a deep centering breath, and check in with yourself. What is your wisest self telling you? If you’ve tried everything and your partner refuses to seek help, then remember that sometimes the healthiest and most relational thing you can do is–end it.