A common misconception about anger is: anger’s always bad. It’s important to realize that anger in itself is a healthy emotion. It’s not good, bad, or otherwise, it just is. What gives anger a bad wrap however, is how it often gets expressed.
Like many other things in life, anger needs an outlet…and a container. Anger without an outlet remains unspoken and unspoken anger often turns into resentment. Anger without a container often becomes abuse and leads to relationship, emotional, career, and at times, even legal problems. Neither outcome is very positive and both the lack of expression and the over expression of anger has serious repercussions in relationships.
One problem, as I see it, is too many people have no idea what healthy anger looks like—so let me help. A healthy expression of anger is firm (a strong tone of voice yet not yelling or contemptuous), respectful (spoken using “I” statements, no swearing, name calling, or shaming), and clear (there is a targeted issue/problem that is the focus of the anger rather than an unending barrage of words and events that occurred years ago).
An example of healthy anger may sound like: “I’m very angry at how you spoke to our son. It is not okay with me for you to call him stupid or any other name for that matter. If that happens again, I will step in and remove him from your presence.”
An unhealthy expression of this same issue may sound like: “You are a son of a b*tch!! Who the hell do you think you are speaking to our son like that?! I’ll divorce you in a minute if you ever do that again!”
Healthy expressions of anger do not include any emotional or physical threats of any kind. Throwing things, slamming doors, standing over someone to intimidate, swearing, pushing, shoving, name calling, slamming a fist on a table, grabbing, threatening to take the money, kids, house etc., are ALL unhealthy expressions of anger—under all but life threatening circumstances (I.e., an intruder, gun to your head, fist in your face etc.).
Anger is a healthy emotion. It’s our responsibility to express in healthy ways. Not expressing it in an effort to avoid conflict is not healthy and nor does it resolve conflict. Non-expression simply leaves the potential conflict to fester which shakes the very foundation of relationships. Expressing it irresponsibly leads to an unsafe environment for the entire family; obviously this also shakes the very foundation of the family.
Challenge: Use healthy boundaries (see past post) when expressing anger. Commit to living a non-violent life in your home and in your relationships. If this is a struggle for you—seek help.