Many blogs, newspapers, radio shows, etc. are talking about how surprised they were to hear about the breakup of the Gores’ marriage. I’m shocked that so many people are shocked.
The one thing I know about relationships is that no relationship is safe from divorce. The seemingly most amazing couples in the world are not safe. I don’t say this to be cynical, I say it because people need to know. As soon as people begin to think divorce will never happen to them, they’re in trouble. Divorce can happen to anyone.
Sometimes couples struggle their entire relationship, eventually divorcing after years of misery. Some couples have a seemingly wonderful relationship for many years and get rocked by an affair that ends the marriage. Other couples are great for many years and then begin to grow distant as a result of life’s many stressors. After a few years of growing apart, one or both partners wake up and realize they’re not happy anymore. There are countless scenarios that happen to good couples, bad couples and mediocre couples. The question isn’t who’s safe, but rather what steps can we take to safeguard our marriages as best we can—especially the better marriages.
The does and don’ts of safeguarding your marriage:
The Does:
1. Always put your relationship first…before the children, work and friends. You’ve heard this a thousand times, I know, however the bottom line is that you must make your relationship a priority. Have date night, spend time talking each night (with no distractions), hold hands, give hugs/kisses, etc. You make your relationship a priority by focusing time, energy and attention on it.
2. Take time to assess where your relationship is on your own and with your partner. In the stillness of the day, when no one’s around, what do you think? Are you happy with your relationship? Is there something missing? Is there something you want to make sure continues? Every once in a while, consciously do an assessment/check-in regarding your relationship. Compare notes with your partner, so you both have a good sense of the pulse of your relationship.
3. Speak honestly, clearly and specifically about the changes you want with your relationship…and take steps to make these changes. After assessing how things are going, make sure you make any necessary adjustments. Sharing the information, but doing nothing about it can lead to hopelessness and resentment. Also, make sure you share what’s really going on for you, not what you think your partner wants to hear. When you’re not honest, you’re harming your relationship. It’s also not fair for your partner to assume that what you’re saying is true when you know it’s not.
The Don’ts:
There are three things not to do:
1. Don’t take your relationship or partner for granted. Be careful about getting into bad habits such as working late, half-listening to your partner’s stories, etc. Just because your partner’s okay with you working a little extra now doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to work long hours forever. Distance and lack of time spent together chips away at relationships.
2. Don’t assume that lack of fighting means things are okay. Many couples who end up divorcing say they never fought. The problem is that they never connected either. They ended up co-existing. Do not get lulled into thinking things are fine because there’s no fighting.
3. Don’t think that because things are okay now, they will always be okay. Relationships can turn in an instant—even with the best of intentions. Relationships stay on track when partners consciously keep them on track. Many divorced couples were doing great at some point in their marriage. Many of these same couples thought they’d always be okay. Pay attention to why things are okay now and make sure to keep those things in place later.
Relationships, in general, require love, attention and determination to work in the long-term. Pay attention to the pulse of your relationship and make necessary adjustments along the way. The daily grind of life can too easily take couples off course—don’t allow that to happen in your relationship. Give it attention, assess it, cherish it and be determined to protect it.
Challenge: Take time this week to sit down and assess your relationship. If you’re feeling distant, taken advantage of, lonely, comfortable, happy or perfectly content– share this with your partner. Don’t take it for granted and don’t be dishonest.