A common issue with couples impacted by affairs is how many details to share or not share. Often the partner who was cheated on has this insatiable need to know all the details. S/he wants to know how often, how good and how different the sex was. Did it happen in the couples’ bed? If so, how many times and on and on. Usually even when the questions are answered, there are twenty more coming.
Although some questions are healthy and necessary, I believe the minute details about the sex life that occurred during an affair only intensifies the pain and disconnect between the couple. Stop asking your partner about these. Instead pay attention to what’s going on in your own relationship.
If you can’t help yourself and you must know the answers then let me help you out. First off, nine times out of ten the sex is better, more frequent, and more uninhibited than in the primary relationship. This should be no surprise however, since nine times out of ten the sex was better, more frequent, and more exciting in the beginning of the primary relationship also. If you’re wondering if it was more exciting, chances are the sex had an air of excitement and adventure to it. This is not difficult to create however, since having to hide anything naturally creates an air of excitement (just like staying at your parents house and trying to be “quiet”).
I could go on and on with answers, but the bottom line is–Let it go. How the sex was in an affair is misleading at best. Asking detailed questions around it or ruminating about it is not going to be helpful.
Remember that although you think you want to know everything that went on, you will never truly know the whole story. The damage was the lies even more than the sex. So focus on that piece. Is your partner being accountable and trustworthy now? Has s/he made amends and done everything possible to repair the damage caused by the affair? Are you opening up your heart to her/his efforts to repair? How’s the sex in this relationship? If you’re not happy with the sex, then change it–don’t compare it.
Challenge: If you have chosen to try to work on your relationship after an affair, then focus all eyes on this relationship. If you were the one who cheated, go out of your way to be reassuring, loving, and accountable. If you were the one who was cheated on, do your best to not obsess. Open your heart to attempts your partner is making to repair. If s/he is not repairing, then walk…at a VERY quick pace.