In my work with women, I
often stress the importance of not settling in their relationships. Too many women end up taking poor
treatment, staying with active addicts or trying to coax a philanderer back to
their bed. I work with the women
to set limits, hold their partners accountable and to ask for what they want
rather than getting resentful for what they’re not getting. The other side to this is to also be cherishing.
Holding our loved ones
accountable for their behaviors is vital for both women and men; it’s a
necessary component in any relationship. Many people, however, struggle with
holding others accountable. This
struggle intensifies if the other person is at all volatile, controlling or
intense. Some people just wish
others would act better and in the mean time they settle for what they’re
given.
accountable, however, does not help your relationship—nor does it help your
partner, child, friend or whoever it is that you’re not holding accountable.
Saying nothing about poor behavior sends the message that the behavior is
fine. It also sends the message
that you will take whatever kind of treatment they give you.
When people don’t stand up
for themselves, it results in a loss of respect — a loss of respect by others
and for themselves. The bottom
line is you cannot have healthy relationships without accountability.
Equally as vital to
relationships, however, is cherishing.
If a relationship is all about accountability, but has little cherishing
in it, it won’t last. Sometimes
women, especially, will go from being kind at all costs to the extreme opposite
end of only sharing about what they don’t like. They become the relationship police. They don’t ever want to be taken
advantage of again so they are constantly on their partner about what they are
doing wrong. This will not work.
We need to remember that
relationships are meant to fuel us.
They are meant to add to our lives, not zap us of energy. We need to have the strength to call
others out on the actions they do that hurt us while also appreciating the kind
acts they do that fuel us. Too much in one direction or the other will hurt our
relationships. We need to find the
balance.
same time. You will feel better
for it and your partner will respect you more.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to the balance of
accountability and cherishing. Too
much of one without the other will wreak havoc in your relationship.