I received a comment on my post titled “Abusive Relationships” and thought it might be helpful for people who might be involved in an abusive relationship to read. So here’s the comment and below is my response.
Anonymous wrote: I’m in an abusive relationship and every time I try to get out I always end up going back because something in my head tells me that I need him and that I love him. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make myself stop loving him. I don’t even know why I love him. He physically and mentally abuses me almost every day but still I can’t find it in my heart to stop loving this dude. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t even help myself so there’s no way any one else can and I don’t believe that I have a role in what’s taking place.
LISA’S REPLY: Let me start by saying you are not alone. There are many women who find themselves in a very similar situation as you. They continue to return to the abusive perpetrator again and again and struggle to figure out why. Thank you for sharing your story; I’m hopeful that it will help others in their journey.
You state that you can’t make yourself stop loving him; I question if you really love him or if you are love-addicted to him. Love-addiction is not love; it is an unhealthy dependency that works very much the same way as drug or alcohol addiction. You are fine as long as he’s in your life and you have your fix; however, if you don’t have that drug then you are in a crash. If this sounds at all familiar to you I suggest you read Pia Mellody’s book Facing Love Addiction.
Regardless of whether you love him or not, you do have control over whether you allow yourself to be abused by him. The only one who can protect yourself is you. You have no control over your boyfriend; however, you have total control of yourself. You decide if you stay, go, or plead for him to stop (which he won’t do, by the way, just because you plead). You deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to be loved, not beaten, and you are the only one who can enforce this right and stand up for yourself.
Where you get stuck, I’m assuming, is that you believe if you take a stand against the abuse that you will lose him. The truth is–you may. What you don’t realize, however, is when you allow your fear to stop you from protecting yourself, you are putting yourself in further danger. Chances are slim to none that he will stop abusing you without significant consequences–either by you–or by outside systems (i.e., police, job, friends). Every time you go back to him after he beats you, you teach him that it’s okay.
You also teach yourself that you are not worthy of protection. This is a lie–you are absolutely worthy of protection and I’m sorry no one ever taught this to you.
I also want you to know that in my experience, the perpetrator of abuse will abuse anyone he is with–you just happen to be the one who put yourself in his path. Nine times out of ten, abusers have been abusive in their previous relationships and will continue to be abusive in their future relationships if they don’t seek help. His abuse is often not about you–other than the fact that you allow it by staying.
If you are in an abusive situation, realize this will be a part of your life for as long as you allow it to be a part of your life. It will not magically go away and your partner is highly unlikely to wake up and decide to stop–without some key reason to do so (outside consequences).
If you choose to actively change this situation, please do so with help. Women are often at greatest risk when they leave the relationship. Get in touch with a therapist or program who specializes in abusive relationships (domestic violence).
Remember that you deserve to be treated well, especially by loved ones. This treatment will start with how you treat yourself.
Best of luck,
Lisa
P.S.: Here are some numbers for you to try.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Women’s Protective Services: (800) 593-1125
Respect (program for batterers): (508) 852-6596